Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Something Unseen; Love

"Nicky I didn't mean to..." I didn't even know what to say, words started tumbling out of my mouth. Word vomit in great surges like tidal waves or hurricanes. Destroying my world around me.

"I frightened you. I didn't mean to I would never do anything to hurt you okay, I swear Sophie I wasn't gonna hit you or anything like that. Why would you even think that I would?" I looked at my feet. I didn't want to admit the pathetic truth that whenever someone raised their voice I cringed, or that whenever a domestic violence advert came on the TV I switched it off. Seeing a man laying into someone you love really doesn't half fuck with your head.

"I don't think you would, in fact I know you wouldn't. But, its just that you looked angry and you've never been angry with me before and I don't want you to be. Okay, yeah I know I'm being a bitch but your here on holiday I have to live with all this shit going on everyday. The reason I'm always so happy when I come to America is because its a break, away from this" I indicated the kitchen and living room around me. The paper cups still evident from the party. We'd been cleaning for two days and I was still finding spilt popcorn and Rashers crisps.

"This really doesn't look that bad you know" He indicated the rooms and I knew to him it didn't look that bad. But everywhere were little reminders, everything had both a good and bad memory. So I couldn't get rid of things, but I didn't really wanna keep them either.

I picked up the statue of a cherub in a heart made of real stone, an ornate picture frame with me and my Dad in as a baby. I put them on the counter top and showed them to him. He shrugged as if nothing whatsoever was up with them.

"This picture yeah, its great, it shows me and  my Daddy" Nicky nodded obviously missing the point. "This picture frame was in a letter he sent me... four years after he died" A little wince and then sudden realisation showed on his face as he looked at the photograph and frame in a new light. "All that photo is to me now is a constant reminder that my mother lied to me all my life, and that I lost the only person I loved most in this world" He looked at me suddenly. I then moved swiftly onto my cherub, a little figure of a fat child with a bow and arrow in a heart shape.

"Riley got me that for Valentines day this year, he told me he'd wait as long as it took before I realised he was meant to be with me. It took me three months to realise, and then three months to give 'it' up and then he cheated on me. That is a reminder to me that everyone can hurt you, even if they don't mean to. Nobody will always be there" Nicky looked into my eyes deeply like he couldn't believe how cynical I was being. I had always been jolly Sophie to him. He'd never even seen me cry until recently.

"Sophie wait..." I didn't stop, I couldn't. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. I stopped at the bottom.

"Mum used to tell me how Dad would hide here so when I got back from playgroup he'd jump out and grab me. This is where I lay curled up terrified for my life having to call Riley for help knowing that unless I did nobody was going to come and save me" His eyebrows furrowed and I felt the ball tightening in my throat. A good memory for a bad; that hardly seemed fair. I pulled him up to my room.

"This has been my room since I was born, this shoebox has been my only bloody connection to my father since he left" I tipped the box up and dropped all of his reply's from year ago on top of my bed. I had been so happy to receive them, so trustworthy of every word my Daddy said. Then I'd been naive back then, and I wouldn't be naive again...ever. I pulled him to the window and pointed in the direction of the churchyard. He knew where I was going with this.

"That cemetery is the only thing I have now that brings me closer to him, and now all I can think about when I go down there is how he's gone and how Lukas and Riley are gone, and now Courtney, and how every year I leave you in America and its like losing you once every twelve months. I have lost enough people this year, and the second you turned up all I could feel was dread that your gonna have to leave soon" I had tears painting my face, not anger or even guilty tears, but pain. My heartbreak at losing the people I cared for most in turn was starting to eat me from the inside out. It was my fault too; I should have trusted Courtney and the lost boys with my secret, I shouldn't have fallen  for Riley's perfect guy act and I shouldn't have left Lukas hanging back in the UK because I was too selfish to tell him I wanted him to come with me!
"Sophie" He ran the back of his hand along my face and caught one of my tears. I looked at the glistening incandescent blob of moisture and then into his eyes, both equally as beautiful.

"Every year you leave me in America, and all I do for twelve months is think about you. There is no way I would ever stop wanting to see you, your never going to lose me. And as for the other things, you just have to patch things up with them. They love you, they'll forgive you" I thought about that. I had hurt Riley and Imogen so much by going out with him and then hating him for such a long time after, I suppose dealing with them would be the easiest way to start this 'patching' up thing...

With this new found task in hand I headed for the computer. An apology spilling from my fingertips, through the keys and into the screen showing just how much I'd been holding in. I'd set Riley free and given Imogen my blessing; though I did doubt she wanted it.

Step one; done...