He's my light VMIN

Chapter Sixteen

A/n long chapter sorry

Jimin was lying on his bed again, trying to relax enough to actually get some sleep, it had been three days since he last slept and he was surviving on cat naps.

"You need to sleep Jimin" he muttered to himself.

'If you don't sleep then you won't be able to keep up the pretence with the boys' the thoughts nudged him 'Then they see who you really are'

He rolled over and tried to tune the thoughts out but they were right. Dammit - now he was so worried about not being able to sleep that his stomach was churning and his heart was starting to speed up. "Come on Jimin" he whispered shaking his head, trying to dislodge the thoughts and return to the peace he had before.

The first thought laughed at his attempt and added to his worries 'If you can't sleep then you'll make mistakes at work, and you'll get fired'

'And then you will be poor and you won't be able to live here anymore' a second joined in.

His chest tightened, and he started to pant.

'And you'll end up on the streets, poor and hungry having to beg for food'

His heart was racing, he could hear a rush of blood in his ears and he was starting to sweat. He sat up hoping that would calm him down, but it just made him dizzy.

He sat in the middle of his bed, biting his lip, and dug his nails into the palms of his hands. God, he couldn't breathe, every breath caught in his throat, and his chest was going to explode. He was panting, louder and louder, until he was whimpering with every exhale.

A slow burn was creeping from his stomach up his throat, Oh god – I'm going to throw up, he thought. He desperately needed to cut himself, he knew it would calm him down; he clung to the hope like a lifeboat. He scrambled to the edge of the bed, trying to get to the bathroom to get to the blades, but in his haste he tripped on the blanket he had pushed to the floor and hit his head on the corner of his dresser table. Tears of pain stung his eyes, and he rubbed the instant bruise on his forehead. While trying to get his bearings he discovered that lying on the cold floor actually made him feel better... less nauseous, and the pain from the bruise helped to quieten the laughter in his head for a moment.

He sat up slowly, in case the burning pain in his stomach came back, and pulled his legs to his chest. Tears were flowing down his face again (God he hated crying), as he wrapped his arms around his knees, and tried to catch his breath.

"Jimin?" Tae called as he pushed the door open. Jimin groaned, knowing that he didn't have the energy to fake being OK while trying to get through his attack. That knowledge alone made his breathing worse and each breath was hitching the desperate sound mixing in with the whimpers he couldn't seem to stop.

Tae  had heard a thump in Jimin's room as he walked down the hallway from the kitchen. He rushed to Jimin's room, but stopped in front of the door arguing with himself about whether he should go in or not.

He was worried about Jimin but he didn't want to push him. And Jimin's accidental confession kept playing in Tae's mind, and he still didn't know what to do about it.

But he could hear Jimin sobbing on the other side of the door, he sounded like he was in so much pain. Tae couldn't just walk away. He nudged the door open "Jimin?"

He could hear Jimin whining and gasping for breath, he looked to the bed but there was no one there, he rushed to the other side of the bed. There he was, on the floor curled in a ball with his back pressed against the wall, rocking slightly as he struggled to breathe. His face was flushed, and he was whimpering.

Tae rushed to him, sitting in front of him and grabbing his hands. He tried to remember what he read about Panic Attacks. Dammit – what did that site say... Right... stay calm.... He could do that. He took a deep breath, squeezed his eyes shut, and opened them again.

What else? OK – physical contact.... He looked at his hands gripping Jimin's tightly. Not enough contact – OK – Moving. Tae shifted so he was sitting beside Jimin and wrapped his arm around him. Tae's eyes were a little wild as he tried to remember the next part of the article. OK... ask them questions – right – OK....

"Jiminie, what's causing this? What were you thinking about before this happened?" Tae asked in the calmest tone he could manage.

"Not..." ...pant... "being..."... pant.... "able...."...pant..."to..."...pant..."sleep..." ....whimper

"OK so you were worried because you couldn't sleep?" Jimin nodded frantically "And what did you think was going to happen if you didn't sleep?"

He could feel Jimin's chest heaving under his arm and the whine as Jimin breathed was really scaring him.

"Get.... Fired...." Jimin panted hiding his face in his arms.

"Can't...pay...rent...."

"Homeless..."

Tae started rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder. Jimin was still sobbing, but it seemed like his breathe was coming a little easier. He wasn't whimpering anymore, and he seemed to be relaxing a little under Tae's hand. Tae sat with him in the dark, rubbing his shoulder for a few minutes more before Jimin spoke again.

"You'd....all....see me" Tae blinked.

"What do you mean Baby?" Tae asked, not even noticing the nickname.

Jimin was still coming down from his attack, but he was slowly getting his breathing under control. He turned slightly and pressed his head against Tae's shoulder, concentrating on Tae's slow steady heartbeat, trying to bring his heart rate down to match.

He wasn't sure how Tae had broken the panic, but he knew he was over the worst of it. He pulled the sleeves of his pyjama top down a little further to cover the scars on his wrists before Tae could notice them.

"Jiminie?" He lifted his head from Tae's chest to see that he was staring down at him.

"Mmmmm" Jimin mumbled dropping his head back to listen to the deep thump of Tae's heart.

"What did you mean about me 'seeing you'?"

Jimin scrambled back away from Tae, eyes wide and wild, and heart rate kicking back up a little, "Look I'm good now, you can go back to whatever you were doing, and ... you know.... Thank you for helping me"

"Jimin – you need some actual help... you know... from a professional?"

"I'll look into it, thanks, I'm sorry for being a burden" Jimin's words were rushed as he stood up, and picked up his blanket not looking at him "I'm exhausted after all of that Tae, do you mind if I head to bed now"

Tae sighed, but stood up. He started to walk out of the room, but he stopped in front of Jimin, raising his hand to touch the others cheek "You are NOT a burden Jimin" He stared straight into Jimin's eyes, and Jimin's heart skipped for a completely different reason "And I'm worried about you"

He turned and left the room, leaving Jimin staring after him in the dark.

Jimin blinked, then blinked again, touching his cheek where Tae's hand had been. He dropped the blanket and walked to the bathroom, desperate to find something sharp to relieve the thoughts in his head.