Teach Me To Love Part 1

Chapter 43 Holding On and Letting Go

"Great." She said. "I'm excited for a fresh start." She said.

"Yeah." I said, I wasn't as sure as she was. There was still something about her that I didn't trust. "Well I'm going to get to class." I said and turned again and left the classroom before it got any more awkward.

"Are you sure you are ready to do this?" Killian asked and put a hand over my hand that was shaking as I tried to put the key in the lock of my front door. I nodded.

"Yes... I have to." I said. "Its time. and I have to get everything out before the buyers come." I said and turned the key in the lock and opened the door. I stepped in the house for the first time since after my fathers funeral. Everything was untouched and exactly as it was left, the house felt Cold, and empty.

"Do you have the boxes?" I asked.

"Yeah they are in the car. I'll go get them." He said and walked out to go get them. I glanced sideways at the coat rack at my fathers jacket hanging. My eyes welled up. How the hell was I going to do this if I was already crying? Killian walked in with the boxes and set them in front of me.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." I lied and started picking things up and putting them in boxes quietly. Killian grabbed a box.

"I'm going to go upstairs and get what's left in your room. Are you going to be okay down here?" He asked.

"Yes. Killian. I'm fine." I snapped. I didn't mean to snap I was having a hard time controlling my emotions right now.

"Okay, love.." He said and walked up the stairs.

 I finished picking up the living room and went down the hallway to my Dad's room. I opened the door, the room smelled like him and I never realized it was possible to miss a smell so much. I opened his closet and started pulling out his clothes and separating what I was going to keep, and what I was going to donate. Once the clothes were all out of the closet I bagged up the donate pile and folded the ones I was holding on to. I held his favorite shirt. I hated this shirt when he wore it. It was ugly as hell but he loved it and I would have given anything for him to wear it again. I wouldn't even complain that it was embarrassing. I laid the shirt on top of the others in the box and sighed. Now it was time for the part of the house that I had been avoiding. The kitchen. I walked out of my Dads room and set the box of his stuff on top of the box of things from the living room and walked towards the kitchen. I stood in the doorway my breath caught in my throat. The glass vase that was shattered on the floor from when he collapsed was still there. I looked down at the floor and flinched at the painful memory of him lying there. The last time I saw him alive. I Stepped into the kitchen feeling anxiety bubbling. My legs were weak I leaned against the fridge and slid down until I was sitting on the floor.

Killian POV

I walked down the stairs with the stuff from Kassidy's room and stacked it on top of the other boxes. I knew this was rough for her so I wanted to give her some space, but I was also cautious. I didn't want a repeat of the last time we were here. I walked into the kitchen and frowned. She was sitting against the fridge with her knees tucked under her chin. Her cheeks were stained by tears and her face was so white she was almost transparent.

"Kass?" I said. Her eyes looked up at me.

"I thought I could do this.. but I can't." She said. "I'm not ready to let go. " She said. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her pulling her close.

"You are. You are just panicking."

"Is it ever going to get better? Am I ever going to stop hurting?" She asked. I wanted to tell her yes but I knew from experience that the pain never fully goes away.

"You're going to have good days, and you are going to have bad days but I promise you that you are going to be okay." I said and kissed her temple.

"I don't feel like I am." She said. "I don't feel like things are ever going to be normal."

"To be honest, they aren't, but eventually, you learn to adapt. Its part of letting go."

"I'm scared to let go." She said. "I just want to hold on."

"There will always be the memories that you will hold on to forever. You never completely let go Kassidy. I know its scary and you don't think that you will ever be able to move past this. But you will and there are so many people who Love you and care about you to help you every step of the way. You are never going to be alone"

"Thank you." She said.

"For?" I asked.

"For putting up with my crazy and being the best damn thing that could have ever happened to me..I seriously would not have survived any of this if you weren't here." She said. I smiled at her.

"I love your crazy. It keeps me on my toes." I said. She laughed.

"You're the best thing that's happened to me too Kassidy." I said. "I didn't think.. that after Milah I could ever let myself love again, but then you walked in with your Sassy little smile and turned my world upside down in the best way possible." I said. She leaned in and pressed her lips to mine and pulled away.

"God..I love you so much.." She said.

"I love you too." I said. She looked around the kitchen and sighed. She stood up and looked at me.

"Help me with the kitchen?" She asked.

"Of course, love." I said and stood up. We finished packing up the kitchen together and carried the boxes to my car. She leaned against the car and looked at the house letting a tear slip from her eyes.

"I guess.. this is it." She said.

"Yeah." I said and looked at the for sale sign in front of the house.

"You are sure about selling it?" I asked. She nodded.

"I have to. There's no way I could live there. Not without him.." She said and wiped a tear from her eyes.

"Are you ready then?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah. Lets go." She said and got into the car. I got in the car and started the drive back to The Nolan's.

"Wait.." She said. "I want to go to your house."

"What about David?" I asked.

"I will come up with an excuse later. I just want to be with you right now okay?" She asked. I nodded

"Of course." I said and turned around and drove towards my house. She was quiet. Leaving one hand on the wheel I put my other hand on top of hers. We rode the rest of the way in silence. I pulled into the garage and put the car in park. We got out of the car and walked into the house.

"Are you hungry?" I asked. She shook her head and sat on the couch. I sat down next to her and she curled into me. I turned on the TV and put on Peter Pan because I knew it was her favorite movie.

"You remembered." She mumbled.

"Of course I did." I smiled down at her. I moved over a little to give her room to lay down. She laid her head in my lap and watched the TV while I ran my hand through her curls. About 20 minutes into the movie, I heard her snoring lightly. I looked down and smiled at her sleeping peacefully. I'd deal with David punching me in the face if I had to because I wasn't waking her up for anything.

"I love you." I whispered. Her lips curled into a smile.