Hidden Behind Everything Happy

The First Letter

Nicky turned up, told me I looked pretty and I carried on the day like nothing had happened. There was a sweet smell in the air and a distinct abundance of people walking around, it would only be like this in England in the height of Summer. 

We went to the skate-park and he showed me some of his 'gnarly' new moves. I must admit even with my limited knowledge of skating, it was pretty impressive. We got this pizza take away in a box from the pizza patio place on the end of the pier. I mean boardwalk. He took me to the smoothie bar that I'd visited on the way out so I instead got  a caramel and white chocolate smoothie with pink and white marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles. And that was pretty good too. Then we went on the beach and listened to music and I told him about everything that had been happening with Riley cheating and Lukas Dad and how I'd cracked my head open. He was impressed to finally see that I had a  scar. 

"Is that how you got these?" I completely all but forgot about my hands. Looking down at them they looked puckery and white, with little scabby slash marks and cuts that had turned to scars. Then I had the awkward conversation of having to explain that I had lost my temper and how I was so mad at Lukas for harming himself it was like I didnt feel my own pain. 

"Anyway, hows everything been going with you?" I asked looking at the sea and thinking how America was beautiful in all of her glory. Bright colours, people all different shapes and sizes, all completely happy with themselves. It seemed silly to think America had such a high suicide rate when everybody seemed so happy. 'Seemed' being the operative word. 

"Um...fine, why, whats wrong?" I batted my hands and waved the words 'nothing' in front of his face. He raised one eyebrow but didn't say anything more. And then the conversation died out, Nicky had to go to work at the local swimming pool as a lifeguard and I walked the short journey back to the house. 

I felt quite strange as I walked back to the house, I stepped over the threshold thinking about how everything seemed to be brilliant and sparkly, all shiny and neat, new and glittery. But most of it was fake, it didn't mean anything to my Auntie or Uncle, it meant less to me than it did to them and they changed the decor every three months so they could keep up to date with the new seasons decor and colour-scheme. They didn't care that there house seemed sterile and like a checkerboard version of a hospital.

My Uncle didnt care what his house looked like, he just went along with anything my Auntie wanted as she was the rich one, and the business woman, and basically held all of the authority in the relationship. Whereas he was just the guy who looked good on her arm, and was the only fun thing in her business filled life. 

Those words kept playing in my head. 'I failed in my duties' What duties did a father have that he could help but not keep when he was dead? What if he wasn't dead? W hat if Mum had told me that he was dead because she didn't want me to abandon her and go off with my father. And then 'Sometimes you have to forgive them' was that asking me to forgive him for not being here all these years, and never visiting and never calling. Part of me wanted me to believe that he was alive somewhere and I could go and see him if I wanted, and then the other part of  me wanted to think he was dead, rather than believe that for all these years he couldn't take a time out of his busy schedule to come and see his only daughter.

I lay in bed that night wondering what I was supposed to do... Did I interrupt my mums holiday and tell her about the letter, it would deeply unsettle her emotionally, and no matter how angry I was and how much I had thought I hated her I couldnt stand to see her crying because of me. 

I could tell my Uncle, he was always one to keep a secret, especially when it meant he could keep it from my Auntie Glow. But I had this dreadful feeling mum hadn't told them about me knowing the truth, and it would make them feel awkward to know they'd been fueling the fire of my fantasies to see my Dad for so many years.