Thrust Me Harder

43rd Blow

Author's Note: Fang Li Xue (Shekainah's mom) English name is Liza.

A little something before I leave.

Thrust Me Harder song of the day: Clap Your Hands by 2ne1

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I've been wide awake the entire night, thinking about Tanner. I didn't even know how my tears managed to stop from falling. Every single time he enters my mind, the intense pain on my chest reminds me of a reality I don't want to grasp.

Ayokong isipin na siya ang may kasalanan. I wanted to blame myself because it would make everything easier. Mas madaling isipin na kasalanan ko ang lahat kung bakit nasa peligro ngayon ang buhay ko.

But how can I do that if I merely know anything about this? That all of sudden, I was placed in a position whereas my life is at stake.

When I felt the rays of the sun on my skin, it dawned me that another day has just begun. Another day to spend in thinking, confusing, crying and feel the pain.

"Good morning," napabangon ako nang marinig ang boses na iyon. My eyes just widened in shock when I saw whom the voice belonged with. "Oh, mukhang hindi maganda ang umaga mo."

"Tita Liza, good morning po." Tita Liza is Shekainah's mom.

"How are you coping up?" Napakurap-kurap ako sa tanong niya, "I heard from the guys that they already confessed to you the truth."

Napayuko ako, "never better. Everything just confuses me. Habang tumatagal, lalong nagugulo ng nagugulo ang isip ko sa mga nangyayari."

"You know, you can ask me anything, after all, I practically grew up in this dark world. Throw me questions and I'll answer you."

Tons of questions entered my mind but I don't know which one to ask. "Ang sabi niyo po you grew up in this dark world. Ibig sabihin po ba, royal jade din kayo?"

She shook her head, "nope. But I'm the former mountain master's daughter."

Tita began explaining to me the hierarchy of the group. Mula sa pinakamataas na posisyon na hinahawakan ni Tito Kade hanggang sa pinakamababa. The entire time she's telling me about those things, I'm trying so hard to grasp everything. I wanted to know things about the group, but my mind wouldn't just cooperate with us.

She stopped explaining something about the blue lanterns when she stared at me. "You're having a hard time understanding things, are you?"

I nodded. Wala talaga akong maintindihan sa mga pinapaliwanag niya.

"Come with me," tumayo siya mula sa sofa at kinaladkad palabas ng kwarto. My eyes widened in panic when I thought of Tanner. I'm not ready to face him yet.

"He's out. He attended some business on Macau." Pagsagot ni Tita sa tanong na nasa isip ko. I breathed heavily and calmed my heart after hearing that he's out.

Hindi ko pa kayang harapin siya pagkatapos ng lahat ng nalaman ko kagabi. After giving myself time to think about things, I went back to the room where they brought me. I was surprised seeing his sleeping figure on the floor, on the same spot where I left him kneeling.

It broke my heart seeing his dried tears. Even with his eyes closed, I can feel his pain just by looking at his face. It mirrors what he feels, the melancholic look of his face was enough to tell me that this is hard for him too.

My fingers wanted to reach to his face but I stopped myself, leaving my hands midair. How can this be? How could one be the cause of your happiness, in the same time, be the cause of your misery?