Thrust Me Harder

27th Blow

Author's Note: No words can describe what I truly feel.

Be kind to yourself and keep safe always!

Thrust Me Harder song of the day: Feels by Calvin Harris ft. Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry, Big Sean

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Hindi ko alam kung magagawa kong harapin silang lahat nang hindi nararamdaman yung sakit sa puso ko. I just wanted to hear their explanation for keeping it from me but I'm not yet prepared to hear it yet. At least not yet now, while the pain is still stinging.

Haay Dee... Bakit kailangang maranasan mo ang lahat ng 'to?

Pilit kong iniisipan ng valid reason yung ginawa nila pero hanggang ngayon, wala akong maisip na valid na rason para itago nila sa akin ang katotohanang iyon. Ayokong may mabigat na nararamdaman sa loob ko lalo na kung para sa mga taong malalapit sa akin.

Wala na akong maituturing na pamilya dito maliban sa kanila pero nagawa nilang lokohin ako. Sila na lang ang mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko pero bakit nagawa nila akong saktan ng ganito?

My thoughts were disturbed with the noise of the doorbell. Kahit na wala akong gana, tumayo ako para pagbuksan ng pinto ang kung sino mang nasa likod noon.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto, napasinghap ako nang makita kung sino yung naghihintay doon. Siya ang pinakahuling tao na gusto kong makita ngayon.

"How are you feeling? You filed for a leave today. We were worried of you that's why I decided to pass by here and check on you."

On an ordinary day, I would've come back with a witty answer on him. Malamang pilosopohin ko siya or asarin ko siya sa mga sinabi niya.

But today is no ordinary day. Today is the day they broke my heart. Mas masakit pa 'to sa ginawang pag-iwan ni Tanner sa akin. Mas masakit pang nagawang itago sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko ang totoo.

"I'm fine,"

Bumakas ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya. Up until now, he's still so easy to read. "You don't look fine to me."

I should've noticed it before. Masyado akong nalunod sa lungkot kaya hindi ko napansin ang mga bagay-bagay bukod pa sa takot kong baka hindi naman totoo ang lahat ng inaakala ko.

"I'm fine. You can go back at the office now." Isasara ko na sana yung pinto nang pigilan niya ako.

"Dee, is there something wrong?"

I forced a smile at him. I'm not really ready to talk about it now.

"Nothing. Maybe this has something to do with fatigue. I'll go back at the office next week."

He remained staring at me and I never backed down at him. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatagal na nakatitig sa kanya. I didn't know where I got the courage to stare back at him when I'm awkward doing such thing to others.

After a long while, he sighed. Nagulat ako nang itulak niya ako papasok ng unit ko kasabay ng pagpasok niya dito sa loob.

"YAH! Pinayagan ba kitang pumasok?! Niyaya ba kitang pumasok?!"

"Hindi,"

"Hindi naman pala, bakit pumasok ka pa rin?! Unit mo 'to para magdesisyon ka para sa sarili mo?!"

"Hindi,"

Argh! This man is really pissing me off!

"Since alam mo naman pala ang sagot, bakit hindi ka pa lumabas?"

"Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too?"

Wait, bakit pamilyar yung sagot niya?

"I know you're a human but I want to rest! You staying here will mean require me to entertain you since you're my guest. Now, if you really wanted me to have my rest, please, PLEASE LANG! Leave now."

"What if I don't want to?" He answered back before proceeding at the kitchen. "Did you had your breakfast?"

Mukhang wala talaga siyang balak na umalis ng unit ko kaya minabuti ko na lang na hayaan na siya sa kung ano mang gusto niyang gawin.

"Not yet. I was planning to order for foods and have them delivered here. Can't cook for myself for a while."

Binuksan niya yung refrigerator ko at tsaka sinilip ang mga laman noon. Kinuha niya ang ilan sa mga nandoon bago nagsimulang magluto. I'm quite thankful that I did my grocery shopping for stuffs before I was sick. At least, may stock siyang makakalkal sa ref ko.

"What do you think you're doing? Why are you rummaging my fridge?" He didn't listened to me and instead, he grabbed a knife and started chopping the vegetables. "I'm not asking you to cook for me."

"I know. I volunteered to cook for you. I think volunteering doesn't require anyone's permission." He answered back as he chopped the onions.

Nawawalan na ako ng ganang makipagtalo pa sa kanya kaya minabuti ko na lang na bumalik sa kwarto ko. All of a sudden, staying with him in a same room feels suffocating. Never did I knew that learning the truth would make me feel suffocated. I still haven't got over the fact that they lied to me and yet, I have to deal with him.

But who am I to blame them? They welcomed me with open arms when Tanner introduced me to them when I came back from Paris. Kung tutuusin, bagong salta lang ako sa grupo nila pero tinanggap nila ako ng bukas palad. Hindi nila ako hinusgahan sa kabila ng mga nagawa ko kay Tanner, Shekainah at Tyler.

Pero sapat na ba 'yun para palampasin ko ang ginawa nilang paglilihim ng katotohanan sa akin?

"Why do people lie?"

"How about you?" Napabangon ako nang marinig ang boses ni Jionni mula sa kung saan. I saw him leaning against the door while staring at me. "Why do you lie?"

"Because I don't want them to know the truth."

"Why wouldn't you want them to know the truth?" He asked as he took a few steps towards me.

I thought of the few instances whereas I lied to other people. Iniisip ko kung bakit ko nga ba nagagawang magsinungaling sa kanila.

"Because if those people learned about the truth, they will hate me and I don't want that."

"Then that must have answered your question."

Napakunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. "What do you mean?"

"Read between the lines Dee." He answered back. Inilahad niya ang kamay niya sa akin. "I've prepared your food. Let's eat?"

Nanatiling nakapako ang paningin ko sa kamay niya. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin ko ang kamay niya o hindi.

In the end, I still did what my heart ever wanted right from the very start.

I handed him my hand and guided him out of my room. "Let's go."