Make It Real

Make It Real - Chp 28 [Melissa]

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“I never should have done this!” I cried, my voice breaking as I walked up the street, my legs trying to carry me as far as they possibly could.

“Never should have done what?” he cried behind me, trying to keep up.

“This, us, lunch!” I cried not even capable of making full sentences, all I knew was that I needed to simply just get away, get away from him.

“Jelly bea-“

“No!” I cried, my voice forcing all ferociousness and built up anger into it, my voice roaring as I spun around to face him “Don’t jelly bean me!” I cried.

I watched as my father stumbled back, his eyes growing wide with a flicker before it vanished and that briefest movement bought a spark of satisfaction. This entire time I had sat down with him in that small café over coffee and he had sat there and I had wanted something. I wanted some sort of emotion, maybe it was anger, regret, tears but just some emotion that would make up for all the tears I had shed.

“My name is Melissa, Melissa!” I insinuated as with each syllable I punched the air “Okay and maybe you may have forgotten that, I mean you have been away for over, what? Ten years maybe?” I asked, sarcasm dripping through my voice.

“Look, I know I-“

“You know do you?” I cried, my eyes mocking him with fake amazement “Oh, that’s funny, I mean if you knew I would have expected something like a phone call, an email, hey maybe even a visit. Ten years earlier!” I cried throwing my hands up in the air, my voice breaking before turning around and making my way back up the street, my house only two houses away and for the very first time the sight of it comforted me.

It was a heartbreaking realization, to realize that an empty house I had lived in, never having even turned all of the lights on before or even ventured into every room, a house I loathed and avoided with everything within me that I had never yet called home, was more welcoming and promising than what the appearance of my very own father ever was.

I stopped on the front step as I turned around to face him, the men that had created this festering hole within me of the beginning and forming of my attachment and trust issues. Looking at him for the first time everything in that moment didn’t vanish, it didn’t make sense but for the first time I finally understood where I stood, where we stood. “But thank you,” I began, my voice breaking as the tears I had been holding back for so long began to surface “thank you for making me finally, finally realize I’m better off without you. Praise the Lord I know right?” I laughed humoursly.

Turning around I made my way towards the door, fishing for the keys in my handbag which only took more time as I fought back the sobs caught in my throat and the tears pooled in my eyes. The rage, pain, nerves and simply the overwhelment of it all was building up making me jittery, my thoughts scattered and my hands shaking which didn’t help me find my keys but only escalated my agitation. All I wanted to do in that moment was scream and kick something, maybe even throttle something, or someone.

The man behind me that was the first person I’d willingly throttle and at the top of my list took advantage of my suddenly missing keys as I began muttering profanities under my breath. “Look honey, I know- I know I screwed up, trust me I do.” He said, trying to sound somewhat apologetic but now all wanted to do with his too little too late apology was shove it right back in his face “But you’re still my little girl and if you just let me-“