The REALM OF CRITIQUES

Thinking Stars

Author: @forthestorm

Cover: It's simple, it's clear. I like the colours. It's a pretty cover without being over-the-top but it does not stand out a lot.

Blurb: Too short. It's nice but it is vague.

Chapter 1: The little quote at the beginning is nice, but it lacks a capital and a full stop. It may be meant to be a note, scribbled by hand perhaps? It doesn't look just right as it is right now. Something needs to be fixed here.

The beginning of the story is interesting. I enjoyed the start. It's got me wondering what's going on and I'm keen to read on.

There's some repetition going on. The word 'smile' is mentioned three times in two short paragraphs which makes me feel as though I've read that word a hundred times. A synonym would work here.

Oops...another 'smile'. I believe some light editing here with the repeated word, and some editing with a few commas and sentence breaks would be stellar.

I am enjoying the story so far. I want to know why our MC punched that girl.

The way the principle is described makes me smile. I liked the way the MC thought of her as an unfeeling machine, a robot, until the moment the principle starts yelling at her.

What got me thinking was when the MC got expelled her first thought was 'Gosh'. This girl has just punched her fellow schoolmate, she's just got expelled and all she can think of is 'Gosh' (then 'golly gosh')? The wording didn't feel right. I expected her to swear, be furious.

The conversation between Amira and the principal felt a tad rushed. I would have liked to read a bit more about what happened, perhaps what Amira had done in the past to get sent to the headmistress' office to many times.

I also felt the paragraph where Amira went to say goodbye to her teachers was very rushed. But I had fun reading the part about Mr Gerald! Nice! There were some brilliant funny parts in the story (Mr Gerald!). I think this story needs a few more details, it's off to a lovely start.

Good luck, darkling!