The REALM OF CRITIQUES

The Girl in the Shadows

Username: MelissaElborn

Cover:

It's not bad, but needs a little work.  The word 'GIRL' looks like it says 'GRL.'  I like the font, but it doesn't work with the wording.  I don't believe it needs 'She's waiting for you...' - just the title and your name would suffice.  The image implies someone coming for me effectively enough.  Your name is off center.  Bring it more to the left and lift it, particularly if you're losing the tagline.

Blurb:

For me, the opening four lines didn't build any tension.  They felt clunky.  The rest of the blurb is fine but, without something from the first four lines, it doesn't really tell me anything.  Also, you say she wants one thing for her birthday but list two.

Overall, the blurb does tug at me, but could be rewritten to grab me.

First Chapter:

Pretty good.  I liked the description of the graveyard and the way the gravestones were at the edge rather than scattered.

I'd separate this sentence into two: "I keep looking around, expecting to see someone, it's too quiet here and now I'm not sure I want to be alone."  It should break at "It's too..."  Also, break the "This will be me one day." into its own sentence - it will add depth and weight to the thought and the threat.

I thought the idea of feeling your bone to compare to the ones underfoot was good.  I could imagine doing so myself.

Touching the gravestones.  Again, separate it.  Combining them by commas softens the image you're trying to invoke.

Put the "It's getting darker now..." as its own paragraph as it's a thought disconnected to what precedes and follows.

"I have to turn around, but I don't want to" - bring them together rather than having the full stop.  And start 'In fact, I haven't heard one...' as a new sentence.

Apart from the sentence structure needing a little work for tension and effect, overall I liked this, especially the way you closed it.  A good way to bring in the ominous presence that follows her.