The REALM OF CRITIQUES

Once In Her Dreams She Saw Her Demons

Author:

@majesticpheonix

Cover:

The cover, with the red backdrop and creepy tree, is chilling. I like the simplicity of the backdrop, it looks good with the title of the story.

Blurb:

The blurb is good, but I felt a bit confused at times. With a bit of editing, the blurb can become really amazing.

Prologue:

The beginning starts off rather slow, Doris, the MC, is sitting under a tree stretching her neck trying to locate someone it seems. I did not think the wording was suitable, the neck stretching made me think of Doris doing exercise rather than scanning the area for whatever it is she is trying to see.

The second paragraph tells us about the six kids Doris is trying to protect, and their ages, which is OK, but because of now two just OK paragraphs I'm not very keen to read on...

The rest of the prologue felt rocky. There are gaps that make it a bit confusing from time to time. I am not able to really see what is going on, there are some descriptions but not enough to make me see it.

The second half of the story is more descriptive and I enjoyed it more than the first half. This is where the story becomes more interesting.

There is some vocabulary that needs to be fixed in my opinion, like, 'two dead bodies in the casual position.' I can not think of dead bodies being casual, a word change there would alter this sentence greatly.

There are also a lot of odd breaks in paragraphs, for example: 

'The last place where she'd seen Alice.

Not a single scar marked their bodies. No sign of struggle.

Asif they knew hat was to come.

Nothing out of place. Nothing strange.

Doris examined the room....'

Some work is needed to make this story fantastic. I like what is going on, but you should do a bit of editing.

Good luck, darkling.