Author: Kodbro
Cover:
There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not particularly eye-catching.
Blurb:
You repeat Will's name and the fact that he's in a dump more than needed. To be honest, I was surprised when I read that he was in a dump because I didn't get much of that when I read the first chapter. (I read that before the blurb)
Being in a place like that, as an author, gives you a perfect opportunity to pull in readers. Anyway, I'll get into that in the next section. Overall, your blurb needs better flow.
Chapter One:
Okay, like I was saying before, I did not have a mental picture of a dump. Why not? You need to create better imagery with more details. Talk about the sights, the dust and grime layered over his skin and the overwhelming stench of rotten food. Just give the reader a better sense of how the scene feels, pull them into Will's emotions.
Paragraph 2- "He couldn't remember which was when..." reads awkward.
Paragraph 4- This would read better if you simply said "Panic swelled...."
Paragraph 5- whirring should be whirling and progressing should be proccesing. Also, the end of the paragraph could be improved. It's missing a word and the phrasing is confusing.
Show your readers that he's in a cell. Give them details that make them feel and see what Will feels and sees.
"strained his neck to see the wall" is the same thing as "hardly could see." When you already have the information presented to the reader you can delete anything that expresses the same point.
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The REALM OF CRITIQUES
RandomA reader's first impression is everything. This is your destination for basic critiques to help you find and keep an audience. A member of The Cryptic's High Council will offer their perspective on your cover, blurb and first chapter, including ove...
