unfinished snippets

Toxic

I'm more confused than ever I think. You still look at me like you used to - all full of light and happiness - but now I know you only think of me as a friend. It's fine, this has happened before and I know all too well what it feels like, but it still stings like hell.

Then your friend - the one we both share - things are still strange between us. We aren't quite friends, and we're a little less than lovers, so what the hell are we? He still seems like he's holding on, and maybe part of me wants him to.

Then again, I could just be making it all up in my head like always. But the way he looks at me... I can't be imagining that, can I? Although I've been known to be wrong about these things, he's the one I always come back to. It never fails.

It seems there's a pattern forming. I see a boy who is totally too good for me, and just when I think things are going great for me, something screws the whole thing up. Maybe it's a simple text inquiring about his feelings, or the complete disappearance of him altogether, but something puts a knock in my plans.

Then... after the dust has cleared... he's there. He's never stopped being there. Perhaps he and I are meant for each other because of our evident flaws. Because everyone can see them. Maybe I make myself out to have way more integrity then I actually do.

I guess we deserve one another. I guess his smirk perfectly matches my own and I guess his cynical behavior feeds into mine in the worst way. We are toxic to each other but I can't get enough of him.

10/29/2017