Redemption

44

And for the very first time, I, Hermione Jeanne Granger, was petrified by a fear of the unknown.

I had always found a way out of a sticky situation. Always. Now here I was, in the very midst of one, with no clear solution in sight. None of the options seemed good. 

Leave Hogwarts, raise a baby on my own, try to find a decent job, a home. Spend my days forever running from Ella. 

Or terminate the pregnancy, stay at Hogwarts, overcome a period of dismal inner darkness, and give Ella want she wants.

Either way, I didn't see any way on how to salvage the relationship I had developed with the powerful Potions' Master that had stolen my heart. He had been a steady anchor through all of this. Even now, when all our lives were in danger. It was who he was, a caregiver, protector. His brief incarcerating had changed that, however. Never before, had I seen him so scared, so vulnerable, so defenceless. Oh, Severus...

The matron of the house gave me a knowing look. "This wouldn't have to do with those nasty rumours in the papers, now would it?"

Heavy streams of tears poured down my cheeks. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to hold them back. Of course, it was of no use. She pulled me into the kitchen, sitting me down at the table, placing a warm mug of tea in my hands. "Tell me what's going on, love." She said quietly, brushing my hair back behind my ear. "Ron says Severus has been giving you a hard time..?"

I took a steadying breath, nodding slowly. I opened my eyes, meeting hers. "I fell in love with him." I managed, my voice so very shaky with emotion. I had to keep it together. I had to get through this. Someone else would know the complete truth. Someone I trusted and admired. "He told me he loved me, that we would have all the time in the world for questions and conversation. When they believed Ella to be dead, they sent him to Azkaban. I did everything to free him from that horrid place. Everything. He came back 3 weeks later, but he wasn't my Severus. He had changed, gone back to the monster we'd known as children." 

I hiccoughed, holding the mug close to my chest trying to warm my aching heart. "He pushed me aside, treated me as though I was worth nothing to him. Sometimes, his true self would poke through... Only for a second, I could grasp that sense of him. Ella came to the castle, she wants me dead. She sent Deatheaters to attack me. He won't let me speak with his daughter. She had to sneak her way to me today to say goodbye."

Molly offered me a sympathetic smile, stroking my curls. She seemed to somewhat understand my pain. She didn't mock me, she didn't chastise me. She merely listened. "What else is there, sweetheart? I can tell that you aren't telling me something."

I set my cup on the table, holding my head in my hands. "Mrs Weasley, I'm pregnant!"

She pulled me into her arms, resting my head on her shoulder. She held me tight as the sadness ebbed through me, a neverending flow of sorrow. After what seemed like an eternity of sitting that way, crying, she kissed my forehead and looked me straight in the eye. "You aren't going to like hearing this, Hermione dear, but you ought to tell him." I winced at her words. I had known she would say that. "

"I can't do that to him. I can't put him through that again." I replied. 

Molly nodded, something flashing in her eyes. "Nearly 14 years ago, he missed an Order meeting. Something that had never happened before. Albus, bless his heart, went to see if he had gotten into any danger with You-Know-Who and his followers. He found Severus laying in a pool whisky, a broken bottle shattered by his hand. He was brought here, I helped him come back to himself. And in a rare show of emotion, of vulnerability, he told me everything." She smiled sadly. "He had always wanted a family of his own. He envied his sister for what she had, though he would never have admitted it."

I frowned, confused. "Then why..?"

She swallowed, then continued. "He knew of Ella's reputation, and her family. The Mitchells have always been ruthless. Though he felt so guilty about what had happened. Blamed himself for everything, even though Ella had set up the entire situation. She showed up on the doorstep of Spinner's End and accused him of raping her in a drunken stupor. He believed her. Spent the next few years doing everything she asked of him. Married her, housed her, fed her, put her on display for the whole wizarding world to see. He did it all. There was only one thing he stopped at, he finally put his foot down. He wouldn't take her abuse any longer."

Understanding weighed down my heart. "His family's fortune."

Ella had been far more awful than I had initially realised. The reason he was doing this all now, with me, was to prevent the entire scenario from taking place again. I have played this game before. I refuse to allow it to play out a sit already has. I will not ruin another young woman's life.

My heart ached for the man I loved. Ella was so vile, so manipulative. When she realised she wasn't going to get his money, she turned to the next best thing, the Malfoys.

I shook my head. "After all that, how could you expect me to tell him? I could never tell him. I couldn't possibly bear to see him distraught."

She sighed. "Dearie, he knows how you feel towards him. Believe you me, he loves you every bit as much, if not more."

I raised an eyebrow, that nasty habit kicking in. "How do you know?"

The corners of her lips lifted into a tricky smirk, pulling out one of the very first newspapers we had been featured in. She pointed to the image of him carrying me down the steps, and then to the one of him holding me in the corner, his arm wrapped snugly around my waist. "Look at his eyes, Hermione." 

I gasped at what I found in his gaze. There was such a powerful emotion emanating through the photograph. Another paper appeared on the table, this one from Christmas day. It featured me pushing the pram, Severus next to me, lips pressed to my curls, arm tight around me, his daughter gripping his other hand, smiling widely. I ran my fingers along the page, remembering the wonderful day. 

He had loved me from the very beginning. Perhaps even before I had realised I loved him.

His words bounced along the walls of my head. A conversation I had nearly forgotten about.

"I can't let Ella ruin you."

I swallowed thickly. It hadn't been the answer I was expecting. "Why not?"

He brushed his fingers over my cheek, pushing away my hair, letting his hand trail down my curls. "I need you too much." 

It was one of the very first times I had seen him release such emotion. I had never seen him so hurt, so distressed. 

Molly was right... I had to tell him. By hiding it and running away from the difficulties, I was letting Ella have precisely what she wanted. 

She wanted me out of the picture. 

The Weasley mother suggested I stay at the Burrow for a short time to collect my thoughts, sort through my emotions, and take some time calming down. The headmistress knew where I was, my post was safe for the time being, I was out of harm's way. Ella couldn't touch me here.

I was safe.

I was safe and in a bustling house full of life, as though things were exactly as they were before I left for Hogwarts. I was safe, and loved, and fed, and warm, and cared for...

But so very alone, yearning for the company of a certain surly Potions' teacher.