If Only I Could

She was not even capable of threading the crowd without scrambling over. And that was how she ended up in this hide and seek. She dialed Ella's number again and was relieved to know she was still in this place, albeit she could not make out the rest of the words her friend was saying on the other line. She believed Ella was telling her she stay wherever she was right now and let her friend find her. That was her plan. She did not want to push her luck. She was twenty-one floors above the earth.

The man resurfaced from the faceless crowd and finally, Den had a good look at him. He was anything but Den's type and god, she was kissing that bearded face.

"Come on, Doc. I know alam mo naman na sa ganito mauuwi 'to. So your place or mine?"

"May kasama na ako."

"Sino?"

"Ako," the familiar voice was a safe haven. Without thinking twice, she lunged at Ella which at the last second she realized was a stupid idea since Ella might not be able to support her weight given that her friend was the smaller one, but somehow she did. "Den, you okay?"

"Get me out of here."

"Let's get you home."

Dennise was slipping out of her consciousness when she got herself in her car. She had to take a good moment to regain her mental faculties. Her thoughts remained incoherent so she gave up trying to make herself appear presentable, sane and sober. At least she could still manage a few words which she hoped were logical.

"Fuck, that guy... creep." Den said in a sigh. She clutched on her seat as the world she shut in her closed eyes spun madly. "Thanks, Ella. The others?"

"Inside. What were you thinking getting drunk with a man you do not even know?"

There was a hint of frustration and at the same time, concern in her friend's voice. She almost sounded like a jealous boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Her girlfriend. Or ex. Whatever. She almost sounded like a jealous Alyssa. Only that it was not Alyssa. Nor was she ever jealous and loud about it. 

"Puta, this feels like the first time we met." Dennise congratulated herself for spurting out the right words. She let the voice out of her. She was on a roll. "Tangina, Ella, I turned gay that night. Nginitian lang niya ako and then I was in love. Tangina talaga."

She was on a roll. Tangina. 

"Well, I could not blame you. Maganda, matalino, may pa-bonus pang ano-"

"Ano? Secretly crushing on my girlfri... ex-girlfriend?" Dennise snorted at her choice of words. How could alcohol get her to be this brutally honest with herself. The pain in her chest rose up to her throat where her breathing hitched. She was crying again. Another night wasted crying for Alyssa. Tangina talaga. "I am sorry."

"It's okay, Den. You are fine."

"Remember that fucking The Script song we loved when we were in college?" Again, another achievement for a drunk Dennise. She bet she could pull a straight sentence out of her if she coupled it with some cussing. 

"Which one?"

"Six degrees of fucking shit?"

"Yes?"

"Tangina, Ella, bumalik ako sa unang stage. Tangina ni Alyssa. She's fucking back for all the wrong reasons."

Her friend laughed and Dennise would have darted her a sharp glance if only she still had that strength to lift her face, let alone open her eyes. Too bad her eyes could not curse.