Status: On-Screen

12. Honest Confessions

"Tom, shut up! I don't want to hear anymore. Don't you get it? I'm not-"

"And why the fuck not? Are you out of your mind? What's your deal? This is a huge opportunity for you and you're shutting it down like it's nothing," at this point, he almost seemed angrier at me than Gina.

Tom was genuinely angry. I had never seen him like this before. 

I sighed, "If I tell you why, you're going to hate me and look at me differently. Not only as my friend but as an actor."

He stared at me worriedly, "What's that supposed to mean?" He sat beside me and was propped up against the headboard of my bed. 

"I-I don't deserve to be in Spider-Man or Greys or this Disney movie... I hate fame, Tom. It's everything that an actor basically works for and I hate it. I hate the fact that once this film comes out, more and more people are going to know who I am when I barely know who I am. And I get it, this sounds crazy, but I love acting and I genuinely love it as a career. Every time I'm on set, I get excited because I'm passionate about how we get to turn some fictional character described on a script into a real person. I love that challenge. But I hate how it comes with people knowing who you are, following you around, writing nasty articles about you, and so much more."

I paused, trying to recollect my thoughts. "I've just turned 20 and I barely know what I'm doing. Have you not noticed that I've only taken on small roles in movies and tv shows? I don't want a huge leading role like you or someone like Angelina Jolie because it scares me. It freaks me out not having privacy. By taking on a role that's like being a Disney Princess, I wouldn't be able to step outside of my house without people snapping pictures of me-"

"Yes, you will. You get used to it and it depends on how much attention you want to draw to yourself... if you do interviews and are avid on social media and saying things that are controversial, then yes, that will cause a lot of press. But if you limit it, I doubt it's as bad as you think," he said, trying to give me comfort. 

"Yes, but no. You even read in that letter about how they talk about how perfect my reputation is. But it's not. Does it not cross anyone's mind that I only have a perfect reputation because I'm basically a kid in this industry? I literally just finished school, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not ready for millions of kids staring at me like I'm a fucking princess... what happens if one day, I land myself drunk in a bar? Or I'm caught speeding? I'm 20 for heaven's sake! I've barely lived! The whole media will find out about things before I even remember what I had been doing that night! It's too much pressure. I can't afford to mess up and then have the entire world looking at me like I'm some sort of disgrace-"

"I'm Spider-Man. You think that I'm not scared for that to happen to me too?"

I sighed. I predicted that he'd say that. "See, Tom, the difference between you and me is that you are ready for this. I like that I can still walk through airports and only have a small handful of fans approach me. If you walk through an airport, you and your fans could take up a goddamn terminal. I'm not ready for all of this pressure."

He had nothing to say. In fact, he probably hated me right now and thought low of me as an actor. I wouldn't even blame him for thinking that.

I sunk down into the covers and faced the ceiling. "This is why I never tell anyone this kind of stuff. No one understands because the people who become who they are, actually want to be. I just want to be a small-town actress who's in a few movies. I love acting, it's a part of who I am, but the fame isn't... of course, I love and appreciate the support that I have from the audience, but having millions of eyes watching me scares me. It's the part where I screw myself over and everyone knows about it before I do. That's what makes me scared."

We sat in silence for a few moments. Then Tom began to speak, "You're right, the fame part can kind of suck. But you, me, Zendaya, Robert, Tony, Jacob, we all get it. It's a part of the job, but you have to think of it as a good thing too. People idolize you and really, all they're doing is convincing themselves that you're amazing, and you are. The way I see it is it's a good thing to grow a large audience. There are so many things wrong with this world and it's important to use this platform as a way to communicate and spread awareness about things you support."

To be fair, I'd never really thought about it like that. "That's true and you're right," I admitted. "I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, but I'm not sure if taking this role is going to make me happy. Because to be quite frank with you, I'm happy with who I am now. I love where I am in my career and I'm afraid that by taking on this role, I'm going to change."

"I understand that believe me, Zar, but how do you know that that change is going to be bad? How do you know you're not going to be happier after taking on that role? I know you keep saying that it's not you, but I never thought that being Spider-Man was me. Also, you said you love acting. This is literally your biggest chance to do that in a highly budgeted film. This is probably as good as it gets."

I took a deep breath. "I hate that you're right. I'm just afraid of what's going to happen afterward if I accept the offer. I'm 20. I've barely lived. I don't know if I'm ready to dive head-first into this whole celebrity world."

The two of us sat in silence for a minute before speaking again. I put my head on his shoulder. 

"Just promise me that you'll think about it. Please, don't shut down the Disney so quickly, okay?"

I smiled, "Yes okay, I promise... you know, I hate that you're right, but thank you. I needed this."

"Of course, Zara. I love you, you know."

I smiled even more. "Yeah, I love you too, Holland."