A Nightmare's Fate

Thinking of You

Chapter Fifty-four: Thinking of You

I feel so alone.

It isn’t until Jessie leaves the apartment complex that I leave the place too. I know I told her that I didn’t want to drown my sadness in alcohol, but I just can’t help it. I get it from my father’s side; the part where he’s an alcoholic. I’m one too, apparently.

I find myself in a bar, the one closest to the apartment, but even though I’ve passed the building so many times, I just don’t know what it’s called. It wouldn’t matter anyways. It’s not important to me. What’s important is to get something down my throat and help me get intoxicated to forget.

When Jessie informed me about the soon-to-be demise of Errik, it made me feel like everything inside me was completely bare like I had nothing left; so loneliness is what happens to me. I feel alone, especially when I know Errik is gone. Or at least, he feels like he’s already gone; like a fallen soldier just like Kenton. And I am going to feel like I was before.

“God, I cannot believe this,” I say under my breath as I take another sip of the tequila. The liquid goes down my esophagus and it burns my throat, like my entire mouth is on fire. But once it reaches my abdominal, it no longer throbs.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Minutes? Hours? I don’t know and I don’t care. I just need something to help me forget.

You can never forget, I think. No matter how many times you cut yourself, how many times you drink until oblivion begins; you will never forget. It’s something that reaches into the deep parts inside your head, like a trench, and it pulls out every single memory you have. The ones you don’t want to let go of, the ones that you want to forget, and the ones that you thought weren’t there or at least thought you had forgotten. You can never forget about it. It comes back to you like karma or a boomerang.

Why must this happen to me? It’s a question I ask myself too often now. Why must Kenton die? Why must I feel lonely and depressed? Why must I fall in love with Errik? Why must Kenton lie to me? Why must Errik keep secrets from me? Why must Errik die? Why, why, why. Obviously, you will get nowhere. There is no simple answer to it, Ray.

I just don’t understand anymore. I feel like everything is a complete sham, like everything just doesn’t make sense or how everything is falling apart and not by piece by piece, but just falling down like it all doesn’t matter, so it timbers all in one large piece.

I don’t even dare to look behind me at the window. I don’t care what time it is and I don’t care how long I’ve been here for. I don’t even care if I’m still sober or if I’m drunk. I need something to get the news off of my mind. Only sad thing is that I can’t. It’s stuck there like glue. Unlike tape where it’s able to come off, it’s glued to the walls in my brain. I cannot stop thinking about it and it all just repeats itself.

An elbow touches my forearm and flinch, as if I didn’t know someone was sitting by me. “W-w-what?” I slur, my head bobbing to each direction as if it’s unbalanced.

“I see that we finally meet once again,” he says. My eyes are extremely blurry, so I cannot make out his figure. And since I cannot focus on his voice, it’s a little off as well. As far as I know, the man is a stranger.

My eyes look him up and down, even if I can’t perceive his appearance. I then say, “W-w-what d-d-do you ma-mean?”

“You don’t know who I am?” he questions. I look at his lips and I see it curve into a smile. He laughs. “I think it’s pretty funny to see you drunk; so I can see why you got rejected by everyone else.”