Butterfly

Thirty

Hana's POV

Two weeks has passed since the day I was told that I don't have more time left for me to live. I let my hair loose today, again. "Come on! Let's not let Baekhyun waits." I mumbled under my breath and quickly exited my room and run downstairs. I stopped in front of the kitchen when someone called out to me. I turned to the direction of the voice, and saw mom standing by the counter, with her apron on.

"Mom?"

"Ah, my daughter. Good morning! Do you want some bread? I have prepared some of the bread with your favourite strawberry jam in it. I even cut them into half. Grab some before you go to school." She wiped her hands on her apron and smile. I stand there, frozen at the figure of my mom. "What's wrong, dear?"

"Mom? You're.. awake."

My mom looked confused. "How.. Why are you there? I remember the last time I saw you, you're still unconscious on the hospital's bed," I explained. And her face changed from confused to shocked. She looked at me with a wide eyes. "Have you been discharge from the hospital? When?" I slowly pointed my finger at her and furrowed my eyebrows at her. She did the same face expression towards me.

"Hana.." She mumbled my name softly. "I was discharged a month ago.."

"A month ago?" I repeated the words and remain silent. I looked at my mom's face. My head is spinning, 'A month ago?' I repeated the same words in my head. Then I question myself, 'why can't I remember it?'. I slowly dropped my hand back to my side, I blinked my eyes at my mom. Tears escaping my eyes and it dropped to the floor. Mom hurriedly walks towards me and hold both my arms. "You must be really busy with school works that you can't remember it." She smiles. I looked at her straight to the eyes.

"It's okay, dear." She smile. "You must be tired with school," She nervously laugh. "Well, it happen sometimes, it happened to me too. So, don't think too much about it, okay?"

"Mom.." I mumbled. My heart aches, it is pounding so hard inside me, as if I feel like it's about to pound out of my body. It is pounding so hard against my bones. I feel suffocated, I feel like I have an ability to stop myself from breathing. "Don't think too much of it, hm?" She wiped away the tears that are flowing down my cheeks. Some of them have drained and my cheeks feel sticky from it.

"Go to school, and spend time with your friends, and Baekhyun." She added. I heard footsteps coming towards our direction and I saw Taehyung standing by the counter. Mom turned and smile at him. "And spend time with Taehyung too, if you want."

I stare at Taehyung, my eyes are still wet from the tears that are forming non-stop. His face showed thousand of emotions is going on inside of his heart. His lips slowly curved upwards and smile at me. "Study well, Hana-ah."

Mom nodded her head, and she cupped my cheek with her soft hand. "Baekhyun is waiting for you outside," She runs her fingers through my hair and smile. I shifted my eyes from mom to Taehyung and back to mom. I nodded my head slowly and she hugs me, a little too tight for a normal hug.

---

I stepped down the tiny stairs towards the gate. I could see Baekhyun is standing there, keeping his hands warm in his pants' pockets. He turned around as he heard my footsteps and smile. "Morning, love." He said but then his smile faded away as he saw my face, and my swollen eyes. "What happened?" He bend down to take a look at my eyes. He softly touches my cheeks. I stare into his eyes and my heart starts pounding hard again.

I'm having stirred emotions, Baekhyun.

"What happened? Did something happened?"

I feel suffocated, Baekhyun.

"Hana?"

I opened my lips. It feel dry. It feel heavy. And my voice is not coming out. "Baekhyun.." I barely able to call his name. "Yes? I'm here."

"I.." I blink my eyes. "I forgot that Mom has been discharge from hospital." I confessed. "What do you mean you--" He said halfway and stopped. He looked into my eyes as if he knows what is happening. I can feel my eyes are wavering, I can feel the warm tears are forming, I can feel the thumping inside my chest. I can see his emotions through his eyes; he's shocked. I can see he has same stirred up emotions like mine.

His mind is driving nuts, like mine.

"I feel suffocated, Baekhyun-ah," I said as my voice comes out shaking. "I can hear the loud pounding in my chest." My lips are shaking, my eyes are blinking the tears out. "Baekhyun-ah," I said as I grasped for air. "It's starting, right?"

He couldn't says anything. He looks at me like he sees his whole universe crumpling down. "I'm dying, right?" He stares at me with wide eyes, as if he sees his world is collapsing, right in front of his own eyes.

I cried my heart out and he quickly wrapped his arms around me. I cried on his shoulder and my tears are wetting his school uniform. You could see the black colour of his blazer becomes darker. He wrapped me tightly in his arms and buried his face on my shoulder. It is bright yet cold day, as we stand in the quiet neighbourhood. My sorrowful cries are echoing in the air.

I can feel as if my life is like the snow that is melting away. The day is cold yet the wind is nowhere to be found. It's just dead silence around me.

It's starting.

I'm dying.

I should feel and be happy for my remaining days, but why is it so clouded, as if I was walking in a heavy haze? Why is my mind so clouded, why is it that I'm feeling the opposite of what I should be feeling?

I've expected this but why is this so unbearable? The thoughts of not be able to see my future with Baekhyun make things worse. I know wishing for something like that is useless. Why is it that when I'm looking forward to life, everything just crumbles down? Why is my tears won't stop flowing? Why is it so hurt inside of my chest as I feel like I was crushed.

"It's okay," Baekhyun whispered into my ears. "Everything will be okay." He gently runs his fingers through my hair, comforting me with words full with kindness and concern.

It will not be okay, it will never be.

The thoughts of not be able to remember his voice, his laugh, his smile. Not even able to remember who he is, or what he is to me, what he is in my life. It will never be okay. Not be able to recognize his face. I know so well, so well that this will soon happen. And it will hurt both of us greatly. But why is it that I don't want to let his hands go? Why is it that I don't want to let him go when I know that this will only saddens us more?

"I won't leave you." He said. "Until your last breath, no matter how bad it is, I will stay."

His kind words strike my heart. Makes me cry harder than I should be.

"I'm a man that keeps his promises. I won't make promises that I can't keep." He said. Silently, I pray in my heart,

God, please granted him happiness that he deserves, please look after him well when I was not there. God, protect him for me, and love and care him for me. Because, he is a person that deserves to be happy, instead of crying and grief over my death. Please, take a good care of him for me.

I have no time left, and my memories are slowly disappearing. I close my eyes, and I accept the fact that I won't be here long.