Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Chapter two, recognition of the unknown

(The popular girl, that's me... And I hate every minute of it)

"Hi Imogen" I said, feeling cold inside. I swear I could go out in the skimpiest of skirts, wearing the lowest cut shortest crop top and feel no colder than if I was wearing eight layers including a hat and scarf, maybe being cold inside does that to you; internally icy.  

"Hi Sophie. How are things going, how was your Summer?" Six weeks, they say time flies when your having fun but I think time flies when your heart is ripped to shreds by the person you love and trust, before being spat out, hit by a truck and carried along the motorway for forty miles before being slowly eaten by scrounging animals. Yeah, that's how good I was feeling.  

"It was really good thank you" I was famous at this school for my politeness, it was strange to be considered the prettiest and happiest girl when inside you felt like you were betraying your true nature for being perceived this way. Especially seeing as the 'popular' girl is the secretly bitchy, 'in your face' girl, who back-stabs and rules through terror.  

"So I hear you and Riley finally hooked up then?" Riley was my best friend, he had been ever since we were little, going up through school together from the age of three. I had always told him everything, gone to him when things got too much, hugged and cherished everything he had ever given me. His many valentines and birthday cards were in a scrapbook back at my house and the bracelet he got me for our month anniversary hung off my wall on a small hook above my head when I slept, I loved the little charm of a dream catcher. And I loved him dearly, but when I had finally 'hooked up' with him at a party this Summer, it was mostly due to the alcohol. The party had been the night my mum decided to drop that bombshell on me, I had needed something to take the numbness and pain away, to make my head think of something other than that. The alcohol did the trick, and made me lose something I had always held so dear. Riley knew it meant a lot to me, he was gentle and careful. But my heart hadn't been in it.  

And now I was talk of the town, texts and messages ever since had been swarming my blackberry telling how I was so lucky, some were more graphic, how big was it? Was he good? Did he go hard or slow?  

I deleted them without a reply.  

I didn't give in to idle gossip. Especially when most of it came from my stupid followers who pretend to be all sweet and innocent and pretend to like me when I could see the resentment hidden deep behind their eyes, and occasionally not even that deep. It was like they didn't care that I could see, see the way that none of them actually cared if I was hurting, as long as I ruled the school things like 'real' friends were hard to.  

I didn't care that they didn't care whether I was hurting, it didn't hurt; not really. I was still numb, still unfeeling, still ripped to pieces inside. Pain. 

"Yeah, it was really special and romantic too. It really meant something to me" My heart wasn't in the pretence, I had loved Riley, but now... I felt too alone to truly love him anymore. It was like he had been the only other person who would listen when I said I wanted to find my Dad, he had paid for my account on family-finder.net and had made me believe I would one day see him. He had faith, and he'd made me confident, but now I knew no amount of confidence would bring my Dad back. And even though it was horrible to say, it was like everything that Riley did for me wasn't quite enough, like I had been using him. But I hadn't meant to hurt him, and there was something deep within me that cared about him.  

But was that love? 

At least I said what I knew would make him happy, I would never do anything to hurt him. And I wouldn't belittle the fact that he had been my first time, it hadn't been the perfect location but he'd been really gentle and careful and he had told me he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was, and at that moment I had meant it when I told him that I loved him, and I did. But did I love him enough?