this is kind of religious. I've only been to church once in my life but I still believe in God. I'm sorry if I offend someone in some way because it was unintentional. also, some of the info might be incorrect.
*****
I believe God has a plan for everyone. He knows what decisions you will make, what events will happen throughout your journey.
The moment I was born, he knew everything. He knew that when I was two, I would learn how to ride a bike. He knew when I was five, I would fall out of a tree, and break my arm. He knew on my first day of first grade I would make my first friend. He knew that when I was eleven, I would take my first trip to Disney World. He knew that I would start feeling depressed.
He knew it all, because he had planned it out for me. He loves me unconditionally, so I'm told. He loves all my flaws, because he created me to be who I am.
If God loves me unconditionally, doesn't he want the best for me? Doesn't that mean he doesn't want me to be hurt, physically and emotionally? If that's the case, then why?
Why has he put me through so much hurt? My mom cheated on my dad, and I was the one to find him. I was the one who had to tell my family. I was the one who had to watch their faces fall. I was the one who just found out my dad, who has loved me throughout my whole life, died in a car accident. I was the one who found out my younger sister, my only sister, is in critical condition at the hospital.
Everything has been thrown my way. Hurt, betrayal, sadness. I've suffered through it all. A girl can only go through so much.
Everyone has layers of protection around them. You may not see it, but it's there. The walls people put up so you can't get close to them, to protect them from being hurt. Those are the layers.
The first layer is comfort. In order to be friends with someone, you must feel comfortable with them. Therefore, they've already unintentionally broken your first layer.
The second layer is friendship. If you feel comfortable around someone, the next step is friendship. The whole reason someone wants to make you feel comfortable around them is because they want to be your friend.
The third layer is trust. In order to be best friends with someone, you have to trust them, which will break your third wall.
The fourth and final layer is love. If your friendship becomes strong, then you develop a love for them, kind of like the love God forms for everyone. You love them unconditionally, all their flaws.
After all of those layers have been broken down, you're almost completely exposed to that person. You open up to them, tell them your secrets, your biggest regrets. They will soon know everything about you.
The thing is, once they've broken through your layers, you are completely vulnerable to them. You can be someone who trusts easily, so you tell them everything without a worry.
The truth is, that person may seem like they are telling you the truth about them, but they might not be. They could be using you, planning to get some valuable information out from you, then going to spread it to everyone else. You can't do anything about it, because you were the one who willingly gave them this information.
My layers. The same as everyone else's, yet different. They might be harder to break down, they might be easier. Each and everyone of my walls have been broken down. My emotions are harder to hide than ever, and I feel exposed. It feels like there is a hole inside of my heart where love and trust should be. I've been betrayed and cast aside my whole life.
I feel void of emotions. I feel numb. I don't feel anything. I just want to feel something again.
A soft knock comes at my door. I lift my face up slowly, sniffling and mumbling 'come in'. My throats scratches as I use my voice for the first time in a few days.
Kian peeks his head through reluctantly, then steps through and closes the door slowly behind him.
There are no lights on in my room, other than the lamp on my bedside table. Kian maneuvers around my clothes on the floor, stopping beside my bed. He looks down and the mattress and hesitates, like he was going to sit down but decided against it.
"Olivia." He whispers, his voice cracking. His eyes well up with tears as he stares down at me sadly. I feel a tear roll slowly down my cheek.
He sits on the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around my neck. I hold on to him, sobbing into his shoulder.
"Why does it have to be like this, Kian? Why did God do this to us?" I cry, clutching the fabric of his shirt.
He doesn't answer at first. He tightens his arms around me slightly, as if I might disappear.
He then lets go slowly, pulling his body back enough for me to see his tear stained face.
"I believe," he starts, rubbing his cheek. "That God has a plan for everyone. It may not be the easiest trip, that's for sure." He states, and I choke out a short laugh between my crying.
"But, I also believe that the journey of life is to make us better people. Along the way, we learn things that we would have never known if things didn't go wrong. God's life he has planned for us, and all the bumps in the road, are to make us stronger people in the end." He says, looking me in the eye. He grabs my shoulders.
"Life is not easy, Olivia. It's not supposed to be. Life is hard because it makes us better people. You have to remember that." He started at me intently, so I nod softly.
"Thank you, Kian." I whisper. He smiles a warm, genuine smile. His eyes are so full of love and happiness, and I feel my heart break.
He leaves, shutting the door behind him. I realize now what he means.
I feel as though my heat has shattered in a million different places, just leaving broken pieces everywhere. But just like when you break a bone, it fixes itself and seems to become stronger.
That's why my heart has broken. Because it's supposed to stitch itself back together, because of my family. Kian will help. He can make me feel happiness. Faith can help too. When we visit her at the hospital she will give me hope.
Hope and happiness are two things I feel have been missing in my life for a while. Finally, now they can start to make their way back.
*****
OMG I CRIED WRITING THIS AND UGH. Whenever I read a book and authors were like 'oh I teared up writing this' I wouldn't understand why but now I do. oml this has been an emotional rollercoaster ;(
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