JADE

Chapter 33

Chapter 33
June 14, 2024

"I'm not crazy you know," I mumbled.

"I never said you were, Jade. You have gone through a lot in your life, it's understandable to be stressed." The man said. He was in his mid 30's and was my new therapist. He was a normal man, normal height, and weight. Nothing struck me that stood out about him. He possessed brown hair and brown eyes that seem almost black.

His name was Robert Black and he did not hold anything in his hands like most therapists would.

"I only came here to get better for my kids."

"Oh, so you have kids? How many and what are their ages?" He said calmly. I sat in my seat with my hands in my lap, staring at him.

"Why should I tell you anything?" I snapped.

"I need to know things about you, so we can figure out what I can do to help you. That's why I'm starting off slow." Robert explained.

"So how old are your kids?" He asked again.

"My oldest son is 4 about to be 5, his name is Dawson. And my newborn is Tyler who is a little older than 3 months." I explained. My sons were the only thing keeping me calm at the moment.

They were home with Shane and Ashton. It seems Shane and I have been getting closer as friends. As for Ashton never seems to be around anymore, always out and about.

"They sound quite lovely. And congratulations on your new son, kids are quite wonderful." He smiled at me, trying to make me happy in the moment. I just gave him a blank face and said nothing.

"Mrs. Russo, I would like to talk about your past. The reason why you are here. I was told that it had something to do with your husband."

"My husband is dead," I said blankly. "He was killed back in March. Braxton was driving drunk and crashed."

"I'm deeply sorr-"

"Don't be. It was his own fault." I cut him off.

"I know but it's still a sad thought that we should address-" Mr. Black started again.

"He knew how I felt about his drinking. I despised the thought of alcohol being in his system. And it ended up killing him. Do you want to know what he did when he was intoxicated? He would say terrible things, hit me, hurt me physically and emotionally. " Tears fell down my face but I had no desire to wipe them away. This man needed to know my pain.

"Jade, I am truly and at the bottom of my heart sorry you had to go through that. But we need to talk about it, so I can help you get better." His eyes held true emotion in them, he felt sorry for me. He did not just want to take my money and give me pills then be off on his merry day.

"What do you want to know?" I asked

"When did this start?"

"A little while after my first son was born. Braxton had gotten a new job and was stressed. Then he started drinking on weekends that turned into a daily thing. After a few years of it, I was scared to go home. I didn't want my son to see his father that was or see what he did to me. After so many times I kept forgiving him. I'm so stupid, I am allowed "love" to keep me with him. My own son was scared of him and now hates him! Now I look back on my decisions and his, I should have left after all of it started. I was so naive!" My voice was hoarse at the end of my rant.

"What would he say to you when he was intoxicated?"

"Everything. Sometimes he would pour his heart out to me, saying he loves me. Then other days he will hit me and say I was a terrible mother. How he regretted even meeting me or having a child with me. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep and allow his words to change my own opinion of myself. I still think they are true sometimes. I started hearing voices that said the same things- a-as him." My voice cracked and tears were pouring buckets out of my eyes.

"He ruined me. At some points, I wanted to die. " I stated. I closed my eyes in the process and saw the things from the past, like flashbacks. I flinched thinking about the pain I had gone through. The emotions I felt in all of those horrible events.

"Then I would think about my son, the only thing that allowed me to keep going through the pain." I continued.

"Mrs. Russo, after hearing about your experiences with your husband it's clear to see you are now suffering from depression. You have been for a while. I know that the things that your ex-husband has told you in the past aren't true. I haven't known you for very long but it's not rocket science to see that you love your son very much." Mr. Black announced. I stared at him with glossy eyes and shaky hands.

"What kind of mother would allow her son to sleep in a house with a monster like that?!" I yelled out. "A terrible one! That's what I am"
My brain was becoming fuzzy. I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to sleep away the pain. That's where I couldn't get flashbacks. Yet I would get my nightmares and wake up screaming if I ever slept.

"Mrs. Russo, all of those years of your husband telling you those things you are going to start believing them. It seems you have been for a while, but you need to fight back those thoughts. You need to truly believe with all of your heart that those things aren't true. In this very moment, from the looks of it, you are suffering from PTSD. You have severe anxiety. From the way you are blinking your eyes, trying not to close your eyes, you are getting flashbacks. You have horrible trust issues now. Do you deal with nightmares?"

I shook my head. "I don't sleep, I try not to. I spent most of my nights outside, looking at the stars. That's what calms me down. I can only sleep if my son is with me or someone I trust."

"Mrs. Russo, I'm sorry to tell you but you will have to be seeing me more often." He chuckled. I gave him a weak smile. "Would you like to talk about something else? To get off the stressful topic?" I nodded my head quickly.

"What's your favorite movie?" He asked

"Twilight." I smiled small.

"Why?"

"Because Robert Pattinson is hot." He chuckled loudly.