Pinning my rebel heart (a zayn malik fanfic)

Misdemeanours : /

I stay sitting on the floor with my head between my knees , tears fall but I feel numb .

I feel ashamed but am i ashamed because I need those to cope because I'm simply not strong enough or am i ashamed because I got caught ..?

He's still in the kitchen and I think he trying to find calmness .

He face is scrunched up like he's hurting ..

I can't watch so my head drops to the Floor again .

Suddenly familiar strong arms wrap around me and he pulls me onto his lap as he cradles me .

"Skye .. What's wrong please talk to me . I'm sorry darling I'm so sorry but please " he pleads as rocks me back and fourth in his arms .

I don't say anything but my tears dry up finally and I relish his hands around me for the first time in 2 months . I find comfort in them .

"Please don't fight with me , I need you " I whisper and he kisses the top of my head .

"I'm here , what can I do to stop you from taking them ? Is all this too much for us ? For you ? I'm so sorry I make you feel this way " he says urgently and my heart sinks ..

I jerk back from him straight away .

"No no no , it's not you , it's them they won't leave me alone and I know it comes with the territory and all that but ... " I reply but I can't find words .

"Talk to me please " he pleads

I nod before taking a minute to reply .

"Well then I will need a glass of wine and that joint up there .. " I half laugh and he smirks at me .

"You read my mind , go sit outside il be a second " he replies and kisses my lips softly for a moment before lifting us both up .

I watch him in the kitchen from the alfresco and he looks tense , is he mad or is he annoyed ? He Doesn't need this behaviour from me .

I need to be more open with Zayn to avoid blow ups like this .

"Are you ok ?" he asks handing me a glass of wine . He has one for himself also .

"Iv missed this place . Forgot how good it is here" he says sparking up the joint . I make a terrible attempt of a smile .

There's another moment silence between us .

"I don't abuse the pills but they help when I'm anxious . I promise I'm not using them for otherwise . Yea they help me cope but it's not to forget my problems . I deal with my problems thanks to you but I can't escape my present ones " I say to break the awkward ice between us .

"I get that but the Skye I know always always took it like a pinch of salt , you don't care what people say you laugh at the stupid hype . Your the strongest person I know . When did it all become to much ? " He asks and he's much calmer now , but now I see guilt in his eyes .

"You know I love to race and to ride the bikes and all I ever wanted to do was compete against the best and its doesn't matter to me if I put on a show to stadium full of thousands of people or an arena with one person because all the rest is only bullshit ..

Why can't you just sing and why can't there be no bullshit , no fans pineing over you or what we do or what we represent , why can't all that just go away and we can be normal but living the dream without the bullshit " I say and it's more to myself Then to him , .I have finally found the words that I couldn't piece together before .

"Your right , it is all bullshit but its reality and we have to remember that.

I understand you and your longing for peace because I'm just like you and yea it's fun sometimes but I want a switch off button too but we don't have one and that's life , it's cruel like that " he replies while he hands me over the joint .