Sweet as a lemon | e.d

Chapter 21 | spilling the skeletons

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"Can you please just, look at me." Ethan's voice echoed in my head like he was 1000 miles away despite being next to my bed. I couldn't move. How could I? The one person I didn't want finding out about my family knew what my worst skeleton is. My brother. God.

"If you want me to leave I will, I just- I just don't get why you would lie to me? I told you about my sister when I hardly even knew you." Please just stop talking. "Why won't you talk to me Ophélia? What will it take to make you trust me?" Once the first tear slipped out I was already done. I was done crying, done missing Dakota, done missing Margot, done hating Jessica, done with my mom, done with the guilt, done with my entire family. After a moment of stillness, I heard Ethan get up from the chair next to my bed with his hand getting ready to turn the nob of my bedroom door.

"I lied to you, Ethan." I gripped the sheets of my bed tightly, as Ethan let go of the door nob. With my back still facing him, I finally spilled my most disturbing skeletons.

"My brother isn't away at college." I took one shaky deep breath in. "He's been six feet under the ground for a year." My voice cracked but I refused to allow myself to crumble, not just yet. "He isn't my only sibling. I have two others, Jessica and Margot." I heard Ethan sit back down in his seat. "Margot was the youngest with gorgeous, blonde hair and a laugh that could take your breath away. Instead she was taken away, two years ago in a car accident. We were all stupid & young, Dakota was barely learning how to drive at the time. Jessica and my mom weren't home & I said we should take the car for a drive, it'd be fun." My tears began to dry up on my cheeks, creating a gross rough feeling. "Dakota & Margot didn't want to, but somehow I was able to convince them." Once my voice cracked a second time I felt Ethan try to reach for my hand but I brought it up to my chest. "We were just getting off Queensboro Bridge, when the breaks stopped working. A huge tow truck hit us on the left side. I can still remember the fear in Dakota's eyes. We rolled three times, according to witnesses. When I opened my eyes we were upside down. Dakota was passed out but he still had a pulse when I checked, but when I looked back for Margot, she wasn't there. She landed in the water along with a huge chunk of metal lodged into her skull." I stopped to take a breath when Ethan said, "Ophélia, I'm sorry you don't have to-" I interrupted with, "yes I do, because I've never said it out loud, only on paper." That was the only way I was able to explain it to Rager at my appointments.

"As the months passed the guilt just kept eating Dakota even more, even though I was the one who convinced them to get in the car. My mom & Jessica couldn't stop blaming him either. Dakota refused to let me say I'm the one who convinced them to get in the car, so he took all the blame. And it ultimately took his life. Dakota started hanging out with Zac & that was when he changed entirely. All the drugs, he became so numb, sometimes he couldn't even recognize me. On top of the guilt of our sisters death, my mom hated Dakota. She made sure he knew she thought he was a piece of shit. Eventually she convinced him that he was. Dakota told me he was going to end his life a month before he slit his wrists in our bathroom. I couldn't tell him what to do with his life, that was up to him. After Dakota died, Jessica & my mom constantly fought. The cops were called to our house so many times that they knew us on a first name basis. Eventually Jessica got tired of it and she left. It's been just me and my mom for the past 10 months, of course she hasn't been here. So I'm all alone, Ethan. Except when he died, it wasn't the last time I saw him. For months I would see him & Margot, but mostly Dakota. They would pop up out if no where & it didn't hurt as much because to me they were still here.

That was when shit got bad because my mom thought I was schizophrenic for always talking to myself. I tried to explain to her what I was seeing but she wouldn't believe me. I was in and out of the hospital for a long time, I don't even remember how long, but they wouldn't go away. Eventually it turned into just seeing Dakota until one day he was just, gone. It was like I lost him twice, Margot too. Sometimes I wish I could still see him but my therapist said it was my way of coping."

"Okay, then why can't I just cope why did I have to stop seeing Dakota? My therapist said I stopped seeing him because I was moving on." My voice cracked a third time, and that was when I felt Ethan wrap himself around my limp, weak body. I held his hand tightly as I became the little spoon. "God I'm so tired Ethan. I'm so fucking tired of missing him. I can't miss him anymore, I don't want to. I fucking hate Zac. He's the one who got him into all the drugs that when Dakota died he was just numb. I could've helped him Ethan! I-I could've saved him but I didn't-" the never ending sobs stopped my words. I was broken, but I didn't want to be. I didn't want PTSD, I didn't ask for this, but it's what I got, and I deserved every ounce of it. The countless suicide attempts that followed after my siblings deaths & my sisters leaving were so overwhelming that my mom put me in a group home for two months. She said she was worried I'd become like my brother. I really despised my mother sometimes.

After an hour, my sobs came to a stop, and that's when I asked the question I've wanted to ask ever since I met Ethan Dolan. "You never got arrested did you?" I could feel Ethan's heart beat on my back and it was picking up. Ethan sighed and said, "no, I haven't." I held on tighter to his hand. "Which hospital did they send you to?"

"Northridge." I had never been there before, but the stories I've heard make me happy I was never sent there. "How many times?" Ethan cleared his throat as he drew circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. "Three. Two for rehab, one for suicide attempt." My throat clenched at the thought of Ethan trying to take his life. "When was the last time you hurt yourself?"

"Before I met you." Ethan kissed the top of my head. "When was the last time you harmed yourself?" Last night. Just tell him. It's okay to open up. "Last night." Ethan propped himself up on one shoulder as he looked down at me. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me." A small smile appeared on my lips. I brought my hand up to Ethan's cheek and began drawing circles with my thumb. "I'm just happy that you're here with me right now. Thank you for being in my life, even if it's only been a few months." Me & Ethan chuckled at the last part. "I'm not going anywhere."

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This weeks video broke my heart, but also mended it in so many ways. I've never felt so connected to Grayson then when he was talking about his anxiety. As selfish as it may sound, it brings a sort of comfort to know the twins go through what some of us might. I really do think the twins need a break. They need a break to be kids, to sleep, to work on themselves. Sometimes I think we forget that they are just kids like all of us. They aren't going to be perfect & stress free just because their lives are "perfect." I am asking, with everything in me, that Sean gets well soon in the least painful way possible.

You're not alone.