Cuts *Warning could be triggering*

Lies

I looked down at the papers and saw what they had inserted into my stomach. Amongst the complicated words I figured out it was a feeding tube with a total of three thousand calories. I sat back and let it sink in. Three hundred calories was getting pumped into my body, right now. I felt my heart rate increase and I found it difficult to breathe. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest, making it harder to breath and my head begun to spin. I felt faint and couldn't focus on anything. I was vaguely aware of a beeping getting faster and faster as a few nurses ran into the room and surronded me. One of them tried to calm me, which was not happening, while the rest of them checked the machines and my tube.

"Shh, it's okay, everything is alright. Just take deep breathes and calm down." she said, calmly. Like hell that was happening though. I was so panicked I thought I was going to die.

''Deep breaths,'' She said, gesturing her hands up and down, showing me how to breath. The room smelled so strongly of, cleaning products it was intoxicating. The nurses were standing too close, and I felt claustrphopic with them so close. The smell was unbearable, and the loud beeping rang through my head. I felt dizzy and sick, and this stupid nurse shouting in my ear, to calm down really was not helping. I wanted to shout at her to piss off but, I had other things to focus on, like trying to breath! I tried to take a slow deep breth but it just wasn't happening. Every minute felt like a hour. But finally after a lot of effort I managed to get myself to take a slow deep breath. I tried not to think of the calories and fat getting pumped into my body and on my breathing instead. After a long exhausting ten minutes my breathing was back to normal and my heart rate had gone back to it's normal irregular beating (although I did notice it was more regular already.) The nurse took a step back from my bed (finally) and looked at me a if I would snap at anytime.

''Are you okay?" She asked, with wide eyes. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I was afraid I would start crying. I was scared about what had just happened. I was scared about the fat and calories and all that other crap getting pumped into my body. I was alone. No one was here, not really. It was just me in a too clean, too white room with an annoying nurse who didn't know me. She smiled a forced smile, that didn't suit her face.

''Good. Well the Dr will be coming along at any moment to explain what happened...and we can find out what that little episode was,'' She said, with a smile. I smiled sacastically at her, then slumped but in my bed. It was very uncomfortable. My bones dug hard, into the bed making any postion unbearable to sit in. Eventually I settled on sitting on a cusion, which would have to do. I was then aware of the nurse. She still hadn't left me alone.

''Why are you still here?" I asked. She looked up from over her glasses. I looked at her properly for the first time. She looked about mid-40's and had dark brown dyed hair, but she needed to redye it. Her face had too many wrinkles, it looked unnatrual. Her nose was long and pointy and her eyes were a murky blue. I didn't like the look of this one.

''Because you need babysitting,'' She said, simply before going back to busying herself around my room. I didn't like the sound of her either. Babysitting. What, did she think I was five? I hadn't been babysat since the age of ten, when my old babysitter, a young work colleges daughter, left to go to University, after that my Mum just left me on my own when she went on buisness trips or worked late or 'out'. I was interupted from my thoughts by the Dr walking in. He smiled at me, one of those sympathetic old man, smiles. He pulled up a chair from next to my bed and sat on it, with a clipboard clutched in his hairy hands.

''I've been told you had a panic attack, Savannah. Is this correct?" He asked me. I opened my mouth to answer when I was interupted.

''Yes, it is true,'' The nurse answered for me. The Dr looked over at the nurse. he looked a little surprised at first, like he had only just noticed her, but then collected himself.

''Thank you, Nurse Roberts, for telling me. But I was asking Savannah, here to tell me,'' He said, politly. Score one to the Dr! Nurse Roberts, which was apparantly her name, looked stunned, as if no one had told her what to do. I wanted to do a little victory dance and laugh in her face, but resisted the urge.

''I was hoping you would leave us alone now,'' He said no, told her. She looked shocked for a few seconds but then she collected herself and smiled at the Doctor.

''Of course, Doctor.'' She said, before stalking off. The Doctor then turned his attention back to me.

''Right, as I was saying, you had a panic attack, Savannah, did you not?" I nodded, slowly.

"I guess that's what that was," I mumbled

"okay. Has this happened before?" he continued his questions

"A few times," I mumbled

"Do you have any idea what causes you to have these attacks?"

"No I fucking don't," I snarled at him. He widened his eyes but then tried to look understanding.

"Okay...well your mother should be here soon so you'll be able to see her and I'll explain everything," he said

"I'd rather you tell me now, I don't want her here," I said, firmly

"I'd much rather-" he started

"No, you tell me what the fuck is going on now, or I leave!"" I shouted

"Im afraid i cannot let you leave, Savannah," he said, calmly

This infuriated me. No one could keep me here. No one. I went to get up just to prove my point, but when I moved my arms by my sides ready for pushing myself up, I found I couldn't. It hurt my wrist, that was broken and my other wrist too. I couldn't sum up enough energy and after a few minutes of trying had to give up and flop back down. I grimaced as my shoulder blade and spine stuck out and hurt. I took a deep breath and tried to move so it was comfortable. The whole time I had been doing this, the Dr had sat down on the chair next to my bed and was scrawling down some notes into a black folder. I was extremely tired after that and I felt my eyelids begin to flutter shut. But then I remembered I had to find out what was going on.

"Why am I here?" I said, quietly. He turned and looked at me with a tired gaze then smiled.

"Fine I shall answer your questions,"

"Your here because of your broken wrist and also because you are extremely melnourished, without food you have little time left to live. That tube connect to your stomache," he said, gesturing to my stomache area.

"Is what's keeping you alive," he said, solemnly. I looked at him in disbelief. I am not malnourished. If anything I was obese. There is too much fat and flesh on my body for one person, not to little.

"I-I'm not quite sure I understand," I stuttered

"Well...your malnourish-" he started

" I know what you said but you see, Doctor, there has to be a mistake or something,'' I said,

"There is no mistake, Savannah, we can tell that from just looking at you," he said. I looked at him. His face held truth but I still didn't believe him. How? How could I be malnourished? People in Africa who were starving were the ones who were malnourished, not someone like me!

"You will undergo a mental examination with a psychiatrist and she will help you," he carried on.

"Am I a loony now?" I mumbled, softly

"No, you are not a loony, we just need to find the best way to approach your eating disorder," he said, firmly

"Eating disorder? I do not have an eating disorder,"

"I'm afraid you do, Savannah. According to the tests we've done and what your Mother and friend have been saying, you haven't been eating. Carry on and you will die," he said, calmly. How could he be calm? He had just told me I was anorexic. I'm too fat to be anorexic, I don't understand.

"So you will go to the physiatrist and they will asses you to find out what should be our best approach," he carried on, as if he hadn't affected me in anyway.

"You are not listening to me! I'm not anorexic! I'm as far from it as you can get,"

"Look, Savannah, I know this is hard to hear, and your most likely in denial, which is one of the many reasons this illness is so fatal." He said " there is a 10% chance you will die."

"I don't care. Better dead than ugly and fat,'' I muttered

"Never say that, Savannah, never." He said, firmly "you will not die info have anything to do with it," I stopped speaking after this. There was no point. I couldn't win. He carried on droning on about the physiatrist and how I had to eat or death was the other option. Soon after he left and half an hour later, my Mother, gingerly walked through the door. She tried to speak to me but I just sat there, expressionless, with my arms crossed. After an hour of a one sided conversation, which consisted of her going on about how 'I need to start eating or I'll die, and how's she's sorry, she left me alone, once again, with only my thoughts to keep me company. I sat on my bed for hours and hours. I tried again and again to pull the tube from my stomach but a nurse always came in and told me off. So I sat on my bed and watched outside as it got darker and darker. With every hour the autumn day, got consumed by the darkness, until I couldn't see anything outside. I looked at my clock to see it was only 9:30. Then I went to move out of my position and I couldn't all my joints had seized up. I screamed in pain, which made a nurse come running. She slowly stretched out my joints, making me scream louder, but soon it was over and there was only a tinge of pain left. She gave me some pain killers, smiled at me then left. I pulled the covers so they covered me and pulled on a jumper my mum had brought me. Pulling down its long sleeves so they were over my hands, I looked around the room for something to do. There was a T.V on the wall with the remote on the table next to me, so I flicked it on. I flicked through the channels but there was only five channels. I guess it was because, just incase something was on that was inappropriate. I turned it off and looked around the room for something else to do. My eyes landed on the suitcase Mum had brought me. I climbed out of my bed and walked over to the seat it was placed on. I unzipped it and pulled out the things in it. Eventually I found my iPod, so I went back to my bed and curled up on it. I played a bit of temple run and then I reread Entangled By Cat Clarke for the millionth time, before falling asleep.





Sorry I haven't been updating been a bit busy. But here it is! Comment vote follow!

Thanks for reading Joni x