Cuts *Warning could be triggering*

Another way of killing the pain of seeing him go

I sat down on the coach, awaiting the familiar ring of the doorbell. Two minutes later I heard the chime of the doorbell. I held my breath and ducked under the window, out of sight.

"Savannah....Savannah let me in...I know you're in there....please let me in....look I'm sorry," Robbie's voice, came muffled through the door 

I hugged my legs to my chest, trying to control the tears. I didn't even know what I was crying for! Pathetic, cunt. The voice murmured through my head. You cry about nothing and now your hiding from Robbie, the only one who thinks you're worth something, he must be stupid. The tears were rolling down my face fast now.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" I yelled, over and over to myself. I tucked my knees into my chest and buried my head into my legs, still shouting 'shut up' and crying. Suddenly I felt a pair of strong, warm arms wrap around me and pull me into a firm chest.

"Shh...shh...it's okay it's okay," a familiar voice, soothed me. I clung onto the fabric of Robbies shirt and cried and cried, while he tried to soothe me. Sounds like a wounded animal, strangled out from deep in my throat. I didn't even know why I was crying anymore, I just let all my confused, and hurt emotions pour out of me. I felt myself starting to calm down, and my crying begun to stop. Robbie pushed me into his chest some more, and nuzzled into my neck, whilst stroking my hair.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asked, softly "please tell me it's not the kiss that caused you to cry...I'm so sorry about that....it'll never happen again-" I stopped him there by crushing my lips onto his. I could feel him tense at first but then he relaxed into the kiss. His arms snaked around my waist and I ran my hands through his soft, glossy hair. The kiss begun to get faster and more desperate but was even more passionate. His tongue traced my bottom lip, testing for entrance. I opened my mouth, greedily and was immediately greater with his tongue. After all the year of yearning for Robbie...just one more kiss...one more touch...another chance...I finally was stuck in another heart melting, passionate kisses, that we had become fond of when we were dating. We both pulled back, gasping for air, grinning at each other like kids on Christmas. I felt enlightened and the happiest I can remember being in a long time. Robbie tucked a piece of stray hair behind my ear and then started to caress my cheek.

"Does this mean you forgive me then?" He said, grinning like a child. I placed a finger to my lip and pretended to think.

"Hmmm...might have to think about that one," I said. His face fell.

"Ohh..." He mumbled, sadly 

"Just joking," I said, laughing "you're so gullible, you are,". He blushed and looked down.

"Aww," I said, bringing my hand to tilt his head up to look at me.

''Someone's brightened up,'' He said, changing the subject

''Well...I have my lad back don't I,'' I said, quietly. For the first time in what seems like forever, the weight on my chest had lifted slightly. I felt genuinely happy, for the first time in years. I was never very happy with Ali and the girls. The girls were all bitches and whores and Ali had changed so much. All she wanted to talk about was sex, money, clothes, guys and make up. Make up and clothes I had experience I'm not going to lie, but it got old and boring very fast. Guys and sex...well...I had sex with Robbie  total of three times and he was the only guy I had been with...ever. Money I don't and didn't care about. I broke out of my day dream to notice Robbie gazing at me. Warmth crept up my neck and I could feel my face flame up.

"What?" I said, self consciously, trying to hide my face with my hands. His hand caught my wrist making a burning pain shoot up my arm. I flinched away from him, shocking him and making him loosen his grip around me resulting me to flop onto the floor off his lap. I jumped up immediately and backed away from him slowly. If he found my cuts he would leave me. He would see me as a freak. Someone who belongs in a loony bin. He would stop caring and leave me to sink into nothingness again. Cause the weight in my chest to strangle me, making it hard to breath, hard to think, hard to live. 

''Um...well I have stuff to do...so I-I need to concentrate...so yeah,'' I stuttered, nervous. He looked at me confused for a long time, his eyes scanning my face, searching for something. He sighed, obviously unhappy with what he found on my face. Well obviously, just look at you! How could he kiss you? How could he get his arms around to hug you?!?! Huh?You need to stop eating AND exercise more! Not just stop eating. God, you're thick as well now, another fault! I chewed my lip waiting for his answer while listening to my evil demon shout at me.

''Okay, if that's what you want?'' He asked,

''Yes,'' I said, a little too quickly. He looked hurt and I wanted nothing more than to just hug and kiss him some more. Hell, to be honest I wanted a lot more than just that. But it was just too risky. If he accidentaly touched me there or somewhere else he could discover my secret he'd leave me like everyone else. And I need Robbie more than anyone else. So it was right that he went. I followed him to the door, trying to convince myself that it was right that he was leaving. I failed at that. But I still watched him leave. I waved and plastered another fake smile onto my face that I have become such a master of doing. I then shut the door and leaned my head against the cool metal trying to soothe the head ache that was coming on. After, what seemed like a very long time I went to the kitchen to get a paracetemal. I went to get a glass when I spotted a bottle of whisky on the counter. Thoughts rung through my head. Should I drink it...should I not??? 

''Fuck it,'' I muttered, and picked up the half filled bottle. I downed a quarter of it. My whole throat was on fire. But in a weird way I loved it. I reached over and turned on the CD player, and started to sing a long to ''The Black Parade'' by My Chemical Romance.

''When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.

He said, "Son when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken, 
the beaten and the damned?"
He said "Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non-believers, 
the plans that they have made?"
"Because one day I'll leave you,
A phantom to lead you in the summer,
To join The Black Parade."

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, "Son when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken, 
the beaten and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling she's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.
And when you're gone we want you all to know.

We'll carry on,
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And in my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back
Let's shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Disappointed faces of your peers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it's who we are
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
I! don't! care!

We'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We'll carry on)

Do or die, you'll never make me (We'll carry on)
Because the world will never take my heart (We'll carry on)
Go and try, you'll never break me (We'll carry)
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We'll carry on)''    

I screamed while taking shots of the whiskey bottle. I danced around throwing my hair everywhere and jumping up and down. The voices had disappered and I was having fun! Well, there is a first for everything. I felt my vision begiuning to get fuzzy and I staggered to the wall for support as I felt my legs become uncontrollable. I laughed and slid down the wall after that everything went dark.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

hey guys! Sorry i havent uploaded in a while. I've been having a real shitty time right now! ANyway it's not the best but oh well. Enjoy

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