Self Harm, Depression & The Janoskians

Chapter 15

4 days had passed and I was missing the boys already.

I woke up easily this morning for some reason. I turned to my side, to check my phone and I had a missed call and text from Luke.

I slid my phone open as the text read,

From: Luke x

Oh my fucking god I need my laptop charger, left it at home and I have to edit a video shit. Any chance you could ring up Brisbane airport so I could pick it up next Monday? Xx

I smiled. This was my chance to get to surprise the boys, I got straight on the laptop and looked for tickets to Brisbane.

"Melbourne airport to Brisbane airports, oh! Next Monday....leaves at 2am in the morning and lands at 4.30" I read aloud.

I booked it straight away, as I had some money saved away from a previous job when I was living with my parents.

I texted Luke back.

To: Luke x

Yeah I've just called them, they said pick it up at the main gates next Monday at 8am. Xx

I sent it.

So now I had to plan what I was going to do for all the time spaced between that. Shopping and have breakfast in the airport, sounds good to me.

Now I literally was so exited to go.

Only 5 days and I'd be leaving.

I had only flown once before and that was when Lindsay took me away when I was 7 to America for holidays.

Oh I was scared. I'd be asking everyone around there to help me find my flight.

I got up and quickly got dressed as I was going to pick up Luke's charger.

I ran out of the door shouting goodbye to My auntie, who didn't have a clue where I was going. I slowly wandered the hot aired breeze down my road and all made my way to there house.

My thoughts got lost with the sound of the wind as I just thought about what the boys were up too.

I knocked on the door once I had arrived, as I waited for a few moments gina came and anwsered.

She flung the door opened and looked suprised me, before I had a chance to speak she said,

"Erm the boys aren't here Ape" she called me ape which made me laugh as it made me think of a huge monkey, she coped onto my laugh and then realised why.

"Don't you like me calling you Ape? You need a nickname" she laughed as she let me in.

"Yeah so the boys aren't here? Did they tell you why they was going away?" She asked.

"Yes" I said smiling as she led me to the kitchen.

As I sat down with her on the table she smiled.

"I'm so proud of them" she said putting the kettle on and asking me what I wanted.

After I had told her she sat down with two mugs of tea.

As I sipped on the hot beverage.

"So how are you April?" She asked concerned.

"Beau told me what you did" she reached out and placed her hand on mine.

"It's going to be okay. So I'm not good at this advice crap, but it will. Now you've got my boys!" She said as she laughed, placing her hands back round her mug.

"You and Luke are cute"

I couldn't help but nearly choke on my tea, on her statement.

"What?" I startled.

"Oh I've seen you two! All cuddled in bed, the time when you kissed in the living room...I may have walked in! Don't worry you didn't see me. I rushed off to my bedroom, been ages since he's had a girlfriend" she smiled.

"I am not his girlfriend" I reassured.

"Not yet"

"It's really not like that Gina. It was a mistake, like an accident" I said.

She nodded.


We chatted about all sorts of things for about an hour.

I told her about my plans to surprise the boys and she seemed exited for me, I got Luke's charger with the help of Gina we got it.

She hugged me goodbye and said I needed to tell Lindsay about my plans, which I did when I got home.

She wasn't happy.

"I'm not sure you should go" she said sternly.

"Please Lindsay. You can see me off on my plane, and the boys know I'm coming? They're meeting me there"

I lied. Ofcourse they didn't know.

After an hour of debating she finally gave in.

"Fine but me and Gina will see you off on Monday" she said still not looking over the moon.

At the moment it had all happened I was very happy although Lindsay didn't seem happy which made me upset.

Once again the itching sensation on my arms was back. Why! Even when I'm feeling happy in my head it still makes me want to do things to myself.

I tried to block it out with reading, texting, anything.

I didn't want to cut.

Ofcourse I do.

No I don't.

I tried to tell myself that I have no reason too.

But then my mind was replaying all the bad things and blocking in out the good.

I got up and paced around my room I kept going to walk out. Then stopping myself.

Before running out of my bedroom an down the hallway, throwing my body into the cabinet looking for something that I felt I needed.

I found my razor and sat down.

My anger of what I did fuelled inside.

How could I be happy.

But still so unhappy. All at the same time.

I dug the blade into my skin causing my eyes to clap shut as a tear strolled out as my chest burst with release.

As I did a few more, my body rest and released causing myself to calm and feeling a huge weight lift off my shoulder.

I wanted to do more but luckily stopped myself before I made anymore mess.


For god sake Ape.