Down For Whatever

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Chaja

I've decided to go visit my mother. I know we've been through some shit in the past but she's still my mom and I can't change that. If we have a bad start then oh well, I just want her to know she has a grandchild on the way.

I knocked on the door & waited...

And waited...

And waited...

Until someone finally opened the door.

"Hey baby!" My mom said looking surpised but also happy at the sight of me.

"Hey mommy." I walked in the house and to my surprise, it was clean. Even my mother looks clean. The hell have I missed?!

"You hungry? Want something to drink?"

"No thank you."

"Okay, what did you come over for?"

I took a deep breath, "There's a lot we need to talk about. Mommy, it's been so long since we've talked, I just atleast want to express how I feel."

"I know... Baby, let me go first."

"Okay."

"Jy'Chaja Kinsey Silver, you are my world. I know I have not been a good mother to you in the past, but I want to make it up to you. I'm so sorry baby, I let you down. You depended on me and I only thought about myself. If I would have cared more about you and not myself you would be here with me. I didn't understand the responsibilities of being a parent. I was 14 when I had Jy'Ron, and 15 when I had you. I was too young. I couldn't give you what you needed. I chose the streets instead of y'all. I'm so sorry! I regret all the nights I got drunk and high, and beat you. I beat you because I was angry! Not at you, but at myself! Because I was a terrible mother and I knew it! I was angry because I let your brother down! I was angry because he died tryna make shit happen for you! For us! Because I didn't wanna do it! I was angry because your dad left me! I was just angry. And you were the only one that I had left... And you cared. I didn't know how to show you my love. I didn't! Jy'Chaja I am so sorry baby. I swear I am... You're so beautiful. I used to be jealous of you. Why? Because you were so beautiful. You reminded me too much of myself. The beautiful hair, caramel skin... I didn't want you to be like me but I didn't know how to say it... I'm soooo sorry! I'm sorry!" She yelled as she burst out crying.

Tears filled my eyes, "Don't blame yourself. Look at you; still young ma, you're beautiful. You may not have been the best mother to me but you are my mother! Can't nobody take your place in my heart. I know you're sorry for hurting me. Mommy I love you! I forgive you for everything you've done to me."

"I missed you so much... I love you baby."

"I missed you too. And words can't explain how much I love you."

We stayed hugged up for about 10 minutes. "And one more thing." I said as I got up.

"What is it?"

I pulled off my coat, which covered my big belly and smiled, "I'm pregnant."

I thought she was going to flip, but she didn't. She gave me a confused look and then a big smile formed on her face. "I'm going to have a grandchild!" She clapped with joy.

I laughed. "Yes ma'am."

"What is it?"

"A girl, I'm so happy."

"Awwww, me too." She rubbed my belly before wiping another tear away.

I rubbed my belly and sighed. All of a sudden, I started crying. She hugged me and rubbed my back.

One thing I can say about my mother, is that she was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. She was the only woman I looked up to, no matter what she said & did.

"It's gonna be alright baby. You're going to be a wonderful mother. I know you are. And Damien is going to be a wonderful father."

I nodded, "But I don't know what to do.. I'm not ready ma. I'm not!"

"No need to turn back now.. Look at me, 36 years old. Still young and uneducated. Baby, I want you to make something out of yourself. Don't be like me. Please... I'm begging you. You're beautiful and have too much to look forward to in life. Get out the hood and be somebody! Do it for Jy'Ron! Not me! Jy'Ron!"

I wiped my eyes and nodded. "I will, I promise." She smiled and we hugged once more.

"Now when is the baby due?"

"Next month, I think I'm going to have her sooner tho. She seems ready."

"She looks ready!" She joked.

I laughed. We chilled for the rest of the day. I left around 8:30 and went back home. I was having terrible contractions.

Damien wasn't home. Great.. Just great. I layed down and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. For some odd reason, I felt this nervousness in my stomache. I tried to ignore it, but something isn't right, I know it's not.

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