King of Zombie Heath

Day 17 - My amygdala's shrinking!

Effing prunes again. I said to the guys that if I saw another one I was going to shove it back up Bahawalanazai's ass. Dick (he's off the Thorazine) said it would be difficult, cos now Bahawalanazai's off sick too. Put a positive spin on things, Doc's always telling me. At this rate, at least the prunes will be the next thing to run out.

And now the good news... Doc took me for my MRI today. As I was lying down in the bowling alley, a latex clad nurse in a gas mask sucked me dry of blood. I told her I'd had one the other day. Standard procedure, she assured me. Need it for the records. What the hell. I've got eight pints of the stuff. I won't miss a cup.

Normally it takes weeks to get the results, and no one but the patent is interested in them. Mine came out real-time and half the hospital wanted to see. It was like a feeding frenzy in a chicken coup, white-coats bobbing around the screen pointing, like starving fowl clucking round a bowl of corn. They were so busy arguing they forgot about me, and I had to bang on the scanner to get some attention. A nurse took me back to the ward because Doc was too busy. From what I could gather, I have a receding amygdala.

I was a little worried at first, but felt a lot better when My Bad clued me in later. The amygdala is the remnant of our reptilian brain. Crocodiles and dinosaurs have them, and in humans it's the bit that makes women scream when they see a mouse or a cockroach. So, logically, they can't be that useful and, the smaller it is, the less reptilian you are. Turns out I'm the next step in human evolution. I won't be going to X-man school, but then I'm no plebeian-zombie either. Now I understand why they irk me so. They're retarded. One step closer to crawling on their bellies.

Speaking of which, the prunes in mine are trying to escape. Gotta run. Before they do.