"Took you twelve years to realize that."
"O, we are not even drunk yet..." Ara interfered. She looked at Mika for help as she knew Alyssa and Kim were already getting on each other's nerves. "We are all cool here, guys. Ly, naiintindihan ka naman namin pero don't you think you are a bit unfair to Ms. Den?"
"Maybe I was but you know where I am coming from."
"Dennise is not Laura." Mika butted in. She said it with conviction than Kim and Ara were surprised she actually mentioned Laura's name. "She is not Lau and just because you couldn't make it with Lau does not mean you can't make it with Den. Damn it, Alyssa. Anong logic 'yun?"
"I did not say Laura is Dennise." Alyssa crumpled the cigarette and tossed it in the Tom Collins. She watched the stick sink to the bottom, ignoring how Laura's name caused the onslaught of feelings she was running away from. "And please... don't get Laura into this. Hearing her name is the least thing I need right now."
"That is exactly the problem, Alyssa. How can you commit again when you cannot uncommit to your feelings for Laura? Isasampal pa na namin sa'yo? Her dad took her away from you and you let him. You let Laura go. You gave her up and still, you expect her to come back?"
"I did it for her. Kasi kung hindi ko gagawin 'yun, she'd choose me over everything she had always dreamed of. At hinding-hindi ko hahayaan 'yun. You had no idea." Alyssa pressed her lips together tightly. Tears were starting to build on her eyes. She did not want to cry again. She did not want to remember the feelings she had suffered from before. Her hand curled into a fist as she struggled to steady her breathing. "So please don't tell me Dennise is Laura. I don't want her to be Laura. I don't want Dennise to be anyone else."
"You are just scared," Kim stated. And even if she wanted to get frustrated at Alyssa, she could not. After all, their friend needed their help. "You are scared, Alyssa because you love her. Mahal mo na si Den. You are just scared of the things you are willing to do for her. You are scared to lose her like how you lost Laura."
"Kim..." Ara elbowed Kim hard, suggesting her to stop. Alyssa bit the inside of her cheek. She breathed silently and slowly, taking each second to free herself from the unwelcomed thoughts Kim just gave her.
"Uuwi na ako," she exhaled. She paid for the drinks and gave the bartender a generous tip. None of her friends stopped her as she walked out of the door.
She drove back to her unit, ignoring the influx of calls and messages her phone received. If only things went accordingly, she could have been the happiest now with Dennise. But she was not with her and there was no way she'd see her tonight again.
She was not the kind of person who would resort to drinking but sometimes, things got too much for her and she needed a temporary escape. She uncapped the bottle of rum she always had in her bar then drank straight from it. The alcohol burned her-- from throat sent down to the pit of melancholia.
She wondered how it would be if she only just let Dennise talk. She took another gulp of the rum as if to punish herself for her irreversible choice.
Alyssa did not cry. She was holding back her tears, thinking that even herself deserved none of her own tears. She tried to laugh at the absurdity of the thought instead. She was being so pathetic it was almost making her funny. She downed another shot while her whole body complained. Her eyes were blurring out the city lights from the window view and her balance was unsteady. Her face was numbed and red. The alcohol was starting to mess up her system.
She took the bottle with her as she staggered to her couch. She turned the TV on and caught the late night news. Alyssa lied on her back and watched the lights swirl through her eyes. Another swig of the rum followed then finally, she closed her eyes.
