Strings in the Beginning (Abrupt Series #2)

EPISODE 07

His words hung in the air, soft but sharp, each syllable clawing at the walls I had carefully built.

I clenched my jaw, my fists tightening at my sides. The anger I had tried to push down since earlier in the kitchen clawed its way back, fresh and raw.

"Tell me... what do you want me to do," pag-uulit niya.

He marched towards me like he was about to touch me, ngunit mabilis akong umatras.

"What do I want you to do?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

He nodded without hesitation, but my smile faltered. Nang maramdaman ko na ang sakit sa puso ko dahil sa mga bumabalik sa isipan ko. It felt like a weight on my chest, massive and undeniable.

The memories came rushing back all at once, uninvited.

"Layuan mo ako, iwasan mo ako, gawin mo ulit lahat ng ginawa mo noon. Push me away again, Conrad! Like it's the easiest thing for you to do!"

Hindi ko napigilan ang taasan ang boses ko dahil sa inis na napupuno sa dibdib ko. The air between us became heavy with words I kept and emotions I couldn't ignore. We stood under the dark sky, and the rain began to fall as if it was the right time to scream in front of him.

"Nate," he began, his voice low, cautious, as if afraid of setting me off. "We don't have to do this right now."

I let out a bitter laugh, shaking my head.

"Not now? Not now?!" My voice rose, sharp and trembling. "Conrad, kailan pa? Kapag wala nang natira sa akin? Kapag tuluyan na akong naubos?"

"Nate, please," he said, taking a hesitant step closer. "I didn't come back here to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" I snapped, glaring at him. "You already did that. Showing up here every day, it's hurting me over and over. Umaakto lang akong maayos sa kanila, kay Mama at Tita Nang, para hindi nila maisip na unti-unti akong nauubos. But what else is left for you to break, Conrad? Ano pa ba? Kasi alam ko wala na..."

Pinigilan kong hindi umiyak sa harapan niya, ngunit nagsisimula nang sumikip ang dibdib ko sa mga salitang naipon. Ang galit na bumubula sa loob ko'y halo na ng lungkot na matagal nang kumakain sa akin.

"I don't even know why you're here," I continued, my voice cracking as I took a shaky breath. "To make yourself feel better? To ease your guilt? Because if that's it, I told you, you're wasting your time."

"That's not why—" he started, but I cut him off.

"Then why, Conrad?!" I demanded, taking a step forward.

Nanginig na akong lumapit sa kanya, at dito ko naramdaman ang pagbagsak ng malakas na ulan.

"Why did you show up after all this time, acting like you care, when you've done nothing but push me away in the first place? Meron ka bang alam kung ano ang pakiramdam, na nagmamakaawa ka sa isang tao para lang patawarin mo?"

He flinched, and momentarily, I thought I saw something in his eyes. Regret, maybe, or guilt. But it wasn't enough.

"You don't get to just walk in and pretend everything's okay," I said, my voice trembling as the tears I'd been holding back started to fall. "You don't get to act like you didn't leave me to drown in this."

He opened his mouth to respond, but the words didn't come, and that was when the dam broke.

"Isang linggo, Conrad. Isang linggo akong nagmakaawa sa 'yo, humingi ng tawad araw-araw, na parang demonyo akong naghihirap sa harapan mo dahil sa isang pagkakamali!" My voice cracked, but I refused to stop. My chest felt like it was collapsing, the weight of my words squeezing every ounce of air out of me. "Walang oras na hindi kita iniyakan! Walang gabi na hindi ako nasasaktan na makita kang galit na galit sa 'kin!"

He only stood there, unmoving, his face unreadable. Watching me crumbling... again.

"Nagsisisi ka na ba ngayon sa ginawa mo sa 'kin?" I asked, my voice softening, almost breaking. "Kasi ako, simula noong iniwan mo ako—" my voice faltered, tears pooling in my eyes, but I pressed on, "walang gabing hindi ko pinagsisihan ang lahat. Lahat, Conrad! Even the good memories, because they make everything hurt so much more."

Silence. He didn't even flinch. And the rain still didn't stop. It poured harder with each tear that slipped down my cheeks. Lumalabo na rin ang mata ko dahil sa luhang bumubuhos, katulad ng ulan na tumatama sa amin.

He opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.

"God knows how much I hated you," I spat. "And if you're asking bakit ganito na lang ang galit ko sa 'yo, tanungin mo ang sarili mo! Alam mo kung gaano ako nagmakaawa, Conrad. Alam mo kung paano ako humingi ng tawad sa 'yo, para lang patawarin mo ako! Alam mo kung paano ako nasaktan!"

I could see my tears, broken pleas, and desperation in my eyes.

"Isa lang na pagkakamali 'yon, Conrad! Isa lang! Pero hinayaan mong madurog ako dahil lang sa pagmamahal ko sa 'yo." Nanginig ang boses ko habang pilit kong itinataas ang paningin sa kanya. "Pinili mong saktan ako dahil lang hindi mo matanggap na minahal kita..."

☕