Hey There Delilah (Sequel to Not The Same)

Bipolar Disorder

"I know why." Olivia smirked a couple seconds later, then pointed to a tweet on my newsfeed.

@Roman_The_Boss: Hey tweeps!! Go follow the amazing and beautiful @DelilahNotTheSong btw, love the username :) xxx

"You guys both get an award for the most uncreative twitter names in the universe." Olivia laughed.

"I think Delilah's is pretty unique." Megan said.

"Cause you chose it!" Olivia yelled back.

I ignored their banter and logged off. 

"I think it's time for bed." I told them, crawling under the covers.

"So why are you leaving tomorrow instead?" Grace asked me, getting into the other bed. By now Olivia and Megan were getting ready to go to sleep as well.

"Uhh, they messed up on accident." I answered, knowing it was a terrible lie. I could hear the girls questioning it, but I just rolled over and pretended to be asleep.

 ------------------------------

My eyes scanned the airport one last time for a familiar dark haired boy before I collapsed in a chair right outside our gate. I let out a long sigh and stared at the ground. Moving didn't feel like an option, even to grab my headphones. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I hated everything about this feeling and everything about this life.

A few years ago, I went through a really hard time. I felt alone, scared, lost, and just plain confused. It was like I was trying to swim under water most of the time. Since I couldn't really explain this feeling to myself, I blamed every little thing that went wrong in my life. I would say things in my head like "I feel so depressed right now and it's because we ran out of my favorite cereal or because I don't have a dad and everyone else does. Any reason at all, I blamed my depression on that.

Then it got really horrible. I detached myself from the rest of the world and sat in my room all day and cried. Even my mom, the one person I'm the closest to, was shut out from my world. I didn't understand, I would break down and cry for no reason at all and I hated it. Worse and worse thoughts came into my head. I wanted to die and I almost did. Cutting became my escape. It was the only thing on this planet that seemed to save me from myself. It sounds so horrible, but it's the truth. When I felt suicidal, I cut. Because I wanted pain and something in me told me not to give up completely yet.

Finally, my mom and everyone at Sally's got so incredibly worried so my mom took me to a therapist. I sat down in a cold room full of dark colors and told the therapist all my secrets. Even the ones I was too afraid to admit to myself.

 That day I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was like everything in my head clicked and I understood everything. It made me feel so much better to know that it wasn't just me and that there was treatment. However, I chose not to take any medication for my bipolar.

Here's the hard part about bipolar: It's the most amazing and most terrible thing to ever happen to you. There are two 'cycles' or 'stages'. One is manic and the other is depression. If you have bipolar your entire life is just changing between the two. You never know when it will change or how long you'll be in that cycle. It's the most frustrating, confusing thing in the world. 

Depression is so horrible. Everyone feels depression but bipolar depression is usually so much worse than normal depression will ever be. Your head is filled with thpughts of suicide and self harm, you want out and it seems like the only way. It's so scary because when I'm in depression, I'm terrified of myself and what I could do. But the reason I and a lot of other bipolar patients choose not to take medicine is because manic, is the most amazing feeling on this planet. It's like being high but without the drug and the loopiness. Manic gives you the kind of happiness that people spend their entire life trying to find. It can usually be worth suffering through the bad times for.