ALTERNATE

SEONWOO : LULLABY

" ah my dear Sunoo don't you know I can do anything for you...."

Is this also part of the anything you talked about?
I ask you to leave in peace and you do it immediately I leave the hospital?

What should I do, now that you are no more?
I... I don't know what to do...
Should I feel happy or sad?.
Should I cry or laugh?
I can't tell.

Sigh.

It's so cold.
Is this death am embracing?
Do you also feel like this?

I gulp in the sore feeling clogging up my throat.
You know, I can feel it...I am alive.
But how can I be dead if am breathing?
Most of all, am I allowed to feel like this?

Absolute nothing.

Dwelling in unknown infinity.
Complete nothingness.

Am scared...
Am hurt.

Whatever I said at that time was all out of anger.
I really didn't mean it.

I still want to hold you so safely.
I want to comfort you.
Talk to you.
Be there for you.

So that's it, I won't hold you anymore?

" Sunoo!"

I turned facing the person calling, his familiar voice vibrated throughout the room.
Hanbin hyung rushed towards me in a black suit. His blonde dyed hair made him stand out in the bunch who only had a black coating throughout.

He gave me a hug and my stiff body just leaned into his embrace.
Everyone had their eyes on us, trying to see the person who has rushed in without a care for the world.

It was decided that we have a small gathering as a family but their fascination with everything made me realize something...

We are still, in a way, truly strangers.
With us only knowing the surface of each other.

" Are you okay?" He asked letting go and he stared into my eyes.
I gave a slight nod as my eyes never left his view.

" Am so sorry about your mom, I ... I... Should have been there, you... you should have called me..." And everything felt muffled up once more.

His eyes looked sad as he conveyed his sympathy. That's the same look he always had when I went to him to cry about my mother's condition.

Ah since the day we first met,he has always been there for me, and he is still here today.
Here consoling me and still worried for me.

His words filled with new hope, just like every other time he told me that everything would be okay.

But at this moment, what is he saying?
Is it still filled with hope?
Or is it blank for the first time?

His facial features became distorted with a new found worry.
He probably noticed it..
How am lost in nothingness.

" S..su.sunoo, say something "

I want to say something, I really do.
But I can't.

Sympathy, condolences and hope for a continued future is one thing.
But for some reason, they barely mean anything today.
They try to fill up the empty hole yet they don't know... A broken bucket can never fill up.

And you!
You just lay down, completely frozen.
How can anyone wish me hope when your everlasting lake has finally dried up.

Just blank, bleak and empty.

Completely consumed as I drew the last bucket.

My hands felt a new warmth and I looked at the hand holding mine. Those fingers weaved into mine giving me a new warmth.