ALTERNATE

SEONWOO : CRY

Zombies have been portrayed as brainless walking dead people who eat human flesh.
Some are super fast and some a super slow.
All in all it's a movie of how the main character will strive to survive in a new world.
But in my case, there are no dead bodies,no calamities, no zombies and most of all, no main hero.Only my tired body that am dragging around and my lonely dying heart.
Slowly wilting but yet it has to stand.

How many days have passed since I officially parted ways with my father...

Ah.

Four.

And in all this time I have not written to my alphas, completely indulging myself in my studies and work.

Some moments I would look at my phone, just waiting.
Hoping for a call, waiting for anything.
Maybe I was waiting for them to shower me with love, maybe waiting for them to say where the heck they are or...or ... Maybe waiting for an explanation.

I would love one...
I would love that...

But this waiting seemed to take everything from me. 'The hope of isolation'.
The more I prayed and waited, the more I was alone.
And the more I secluded myself, the further I would try to run away from my thoughts.

-' you are nothing special '

-' foolish me'

-' why are you even waiting.'

-' this is just shameful, you are so shameful Sunoo.'

They keep playing. A mixture of words I have heard and some of my conscious.
A constant ringing in my ear, some kind of new self torture.
And as they played I would run harder, push myself harder, work harder and drowning in the cycle I had made.
I can't lie that my hyungs are not worried, it's all plastered on their faces.
But I can't help it,this is my way of relieving my problems. I wish I could change it but when I was young it dawned on me I could never run away physically, and I began to run mentally.
I always ran so far and by the end of it all I would be exhausted.

All I can do is assure them that I am fine.
You can call it as hiding, it is what it is.
Am just scared...

Scared to think.
Scared to imagine.

I rather be an empty shell that moves around than an imaginative piece of art.
Not when am feeling like this..
Not at this moment.

So I fill my head with everything and anything.
Go to class, study and work.
And study some more.
Barely getting any rest.
Am practically close to finishing my studies with this kind of movement.

Slowly turning into a zombie.

Now I sat across Hanbin hyung, who looked really concerned.
This was our first meeting in forever and I bet no one would like to meet a zombie.

When he first set eyes upon me today, he almost went ballistic. Asking all sorts of questions...
" What happened to you?"
"Did your mates do this?"
" Are they finally back?"
" Sunoo are you going to answer me?"

Sigh.

Nothing, somehow, no and no.
Am not going to answer him and I would not spill this out.
Why bother him with such a matter, I can barely make sense of it.
How can he?

And all I gave was another dryly smile.
Another lie plastered on my face.

It was getting a little busy as everyone was rushing home, the store only had the two of us gracing it with our presence.
My head seemed heavy and I slowly nodded off while my other hand held it up.
My droopy eyelids that were close to closing.
This must be the moment I can't take being awake, but I have to.
I have to stay awake.
Just a bit longer, I guess..