59| It feels like a burden

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I give you a percentage of mine to save yourself and others. Even if I don't have much in me, I still do.
I try to make myself clear that I may not have enough even to save myself. Still, it doesn't seem to resonate in your ears. Nor do you seem to care.
But I guess it's never enough for you until I'm drained and empty.
Day by day, it's less and less
No wonder why I care less.
I try to make and provide for myself as much as I can, but I still can't survive.
Its irrational how people tend to make you feel less when you are the one giving them a free way. A save passage to comfort. While I struggle with my inner self and my insecurities, you make it worse by treating me like I owe you. The only thing I owe myself is freedom.
I shouldn't feel guilty about spoiling myself because of your misfortune. I should not have to lie, so I can have my own things.  Nor should I have to hide, so you wouldn't feel bad. I definitely don't need your permission to get anything.
Envy is everybody's enemy. I should work on myself and provide for myself.  But I can't be selfish, right?  I should be able to help more.
Here is the thing about helping: as long as you give, you are good and as long as you don't, you're not.
Nevertheless, I try to make myself proud, but somehow your aura is pushing it away.
Now, living like this is starting to feel like a burden. It shouldn't. But it is
How can a place we call home make us feel stuck and drained?
There is too much comfort.
How can I move on when these things are only bringing me down?
Am I happy where I am now?
But there are more people who have it way worse than me, right?
My dreams are my only escape
My escape from reality, but somehow I still feel stuck in it.
Besides, I will hold on to them because they are the only ones I have got. The only freedom I know.

~ TINS ~

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⏰ Last updated: Mar 19 ⏰

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