Neon Lights

TWENTY SIX

Salt on bleeding cuts made the blood flow stop. Hurt like a bitch at first - hence the saying to add salt to injury- but stopped the bleeding. He'd taught me this, Lorenzo. This and how to fix a broken toy. How to cook. Chess. He taught me to say the Alphabet. I came from class injured, once, and he'd set the school ablaze,  figuratively , for it. I wanted ice cream at midnight and he bought me ice cream at midnight. I wanted the stars so he taught me to map constellations. He taught me to kick ass then did math with me. I hated school so he found me a tutor for homeschooling. The problem with my shitty dad was he wasn't a shitty dad, and because he wasn't a shitty dad I had little to blame him for.

I no longer felt the sting, I watched crystals stain red and washed it off, fisted on another very generous foftful of salt and stared into my reflection. I refused to cry. Not for this, not when I'd been warned so many times. It was another character flaw of Allen Lorenzo, he told you the truth, open and clear- no one will love you like this. People like people, but you , Cara Mia, are a machine. They could want you, admire you, hold you, use you but love, love is for people.

You're an animal. If they find out, they'll leash you.

I could fault him for a lot of things, Allen, never a liar. Never one to lie.

I could still see it, Sara stepping back, this look in her eyes, like I was the one to fear- like I was the monster in the room.  I could see Jun flinch. I could see Liam- Liam with that look in his eyes- I think that's what killed me the most, Liam.

Clara.

The cops had come around,  he'd called to let me know, what should he say? The truth of course. And where are you? I'm okay, I'll be down at the station soon, keep them safe, and get medical check ups. Take care Clara. You too.

Clara.

Clara.

Clara.

Clara.

Clara.

I wouldn't cry, this- I'd brought this on myself. I'd been so stupid, so hopeful, so optimistic- how many times had life shown me not to be? That there was nothing but pain on the other side of hope?

I'd never been holy. I'd never been allowed to want. I'd never been forgiven or spared for need.

Your greatest advantage is you won't be around for long enough to be consumed by it.

Rarely, very rarely I'd felt the need to take my life- it hung over me daily that I could lose it any time and I made sport of guessing what times those were. I'd overstayed my welcome,  I had an eighteen years old mark and I'd stolen four years past that, and this was the first time in those four years that I'd considered just doing it myself.

Its a deathly thing , loneliness, it crept into you bit by bit till you were nothing but it, nothing but one large bottomless pit, nothing but echoes.

I stared at the mirror, that could be broken glass easily, again.

You're an animal. If they find out, they'll leash you.

I was rinsing my hands, one more time to go before I could bandage them up when he came in. It wasn't senses it was the alarm system, I still had it installed in my phone, it beeped to show his card had been swiped.

It's okay. Come home.

The bandages were on my bed, I fisted one last fist of salt,held my hands together for full effectiveness and waited, he'd find me. I looked, wrecked, I'd taken a quick rinse to clear out the grime and blood, stupidly wet the dried plasma and opened fresh wounds and now I had to deal with the repercussions of it. My hair was wet and my eyes too dry.