Neon Lights

ELEVEN

I'd started thinking of him as Alex. Alex in the blue jeans. Alex with the cyan streaked cheeks. Alex that didn't mind Luke. Alex that called me after midnight. Alex, Alex without the burden of intimacy. It was a dangerous thing, a man like him, a man like him could unmake everything I'd made.

Alex came into my room the first night he was back. He was Moon Ga again, Laila Moon Ga had that effect on you- a reset. It was, like our other interactions,  deep in the night. Luke, unfamiliar with him, stuck by me with his teeth bared. I didn't calm him down, we both had the same instinct, run.

"Mr Moon-" I'd changed into my pajamas set, black, sure he couldn't see me like this, with the lights off "welcome back. Mrs Moon had your schedule cleared for a week. That week ends tomorrow so you-"

"Clara May"

His head was against concrete, arms folded over his chest, that easygoing confidence,  that unmatchable demeanor,  that low voice I'd known to mean 'that's not what I want to talk about'.

"Mr Moon"

"Can we talk?"

Oh.

"Aren't we?"

"Clara May "

"Sir"

"May I sit on your bed?"

Oh. I gulped as silently as I could, this time I did pat Luke's head. More out of nervousness than love.

"Of course"

He muttered something that flew by me. In his white ironed shirt and hair like that he looked like things made of sin. I wasn't a sinner. I couldnt sin, not with him. Not like this- so I settled on leaning against the wall.

"You're fired"

Oh.

It hit me, low and deep, like a punch right in the gut but slower, deeper, right in the light of day. I held my breath against it, just a second, allowed myself to collapse against the wall. Luke lay his paws on my knees and I let him, breath held as I counted backwards from then. There had been a moment there, I think, a moment when I forgot how disposable I was- there had been a moment I'd thought- him and i- we had something.

He let me sit with it, and I did, rolling every single hidden moment between us into a corner of my brain and letting it sit, focusing on the mechanics of it. My visa. Accommodation. Uni. Maybe, just a little bit, the routine. I released my breath low and slow, let the silence sit a warm welcome.

"Will Ms Moon be giving me a call about it?"

"No"

"Ah. Can I have this night then? And maybe tomorrow?"

"There was- someone followed us, the other day. My location could have been  exposed, so i-"

"I get it"

" Nine months of your salary has been deposited into your account. Six as per the contract and three as per the constitution.  Mother will keep her end, you'll keep your visa and everything you were promised is yours."

I chewed my lip against it. It didn't make me feel better. In fact- it made me feel, worse. A lot worse than I was used to. I deserved it, though, my one job was to keep him safe and I'd jeopardized that- Laila Moon Ga was in her right as both a mother to an almost blind man and my employer to do this. I'd made my bed, I had to lie on it. It didn't hurt less. It didn't hurt less, at all.

He fell back into my sheets. Well, the sheets to the room I'd have to leave soon. I liked it, that I'd kept this part of my promise, at least to myself- that I hadn't attached to anyone, or anything. Except maybe Luke. Luke had been mine from the first time our eyes met. These four months Luke was mine.

"Thank you. And, I apologize. For- that. Ms Moon is right in this- I'll be apologizing to her for-"

"This was me, Clara. Not her. I did this"

The second blow over the first one, low and just as deep, if not more. I'd known from the first day I touched his file Alexander and I would be nothing above employer and employee- in fact I wasn't chasing more. I wasn't the type to get caught up in grandiose- I wasn't the girl that dreamt of making powerful men fall deeply in love with her- there was no planet where Alexander and I were anything more- and I didn't even want it. There was no place in my life for men with star printed eyes and pretty lips- there was no men in my future, let alone him- but it hurt. This one I had to cough against. This one threw me off balance, this one had me dumbfounded. That Alexander and I had no prince charming and pauper storyline I'd known, but there was something, I'd thought, that even if he didn't like me he'd need me. That I was allowed to want. I was allowed to want to be needed,  even with Men like him. Maybe- maybe especially by a man like him.

"Can I have a week? To secure accommodation,  I promise I will-"

"The burden of intimacy. I want that"

I had nothing to say to that. There was nothing to be said to that, so I forced my breaths into a rhythm and waited.

"Clara May"

I let the moments pass. I was in the room, he knew it, nothing but Luke whimpering between us. There was, a lot more than I could digest, so I listened. It was all I could do.

"I. Sunday, on that roof, I didn't know that I could- I thought I died, in that car crash, and Sunday I was- alive. And it was- you. I - you. You and the heels so I know where you are. You with the hot cocoa because you know coffee keeps me up late. You and neon cyan paint and a little dark room. You and a little car on the road. You and a small neon blue squeezy thingy- I run through the possibilities- of what more it can- . I'm saying, if you let me,  for the next four months, I want you, with the burden of intimacy" He sucked in a breath, voice a little shaky. I hugged Luke into the floor "I'm not asking- for you to fall in love with me. I know, you and i- we can't, like that. I'm asking if you will let me live, again, without the barrier of formality. If you can sit by me when I paint and-. I will never - experience that- my life isn't structured for love. Or care. I'm asking if - for the next four months- you can be my friend. When we split ways, eventually we will, I hope I'll have lived enough, and you too, through me. I can show you a worl you've never seen before, if you let me, and you can show me a world I haven't seen for a long time."

I said nothing. Moments passed. He breathed ,slow and steady, air thick with Tension. Luke fell asleep curled into me.I  gulped against that, his name a broken whisper over my lips. He caught it, I know he did. He pushed against it.

"I want to need you, and I want you to want me. Even just for a quarter year. So I've taken away the barrier of formality. If you choose to move out I'll have an apartment for you close to school, and a day job, if you wish, and you will be okay. If you think, maybe, I'm on to something, stay."

The room was silent, too silent. His words echoed between my ears, heavy and volatile- like a minefield, like something dangerous. I chewed my cheek. He said nothing. I said nothing. Moments passed between us, a lot of them. I wondered if he'd fallen asleep. I wondered what I would do if he did. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping.

"Alex"

"Clara May"

I sucked in a breath. 

"Ara. Its- Ara"

He released a breath masked in a low, brief chuckle. A choice had been made. Like this, like us, we were meant for the dark.

"Ara"

I liked the way it fell off his lips. I loved the way he pronounced the r. Without the barrier of formality. With the burden of intimacy. With the danger of him.

"Would you like me to take you to your room?"

He made a sound that sounded like a smile. I made a show of yawning.

"You can sleep on my bed."

I did. I slept on his bed, staring straight into the Virgo. Alexander Moon Ga slept on my bed, again.