Ecstasy [h.s]

Chapter 55.

songs for this chapter
False God by Taylor Swift
To Be Alone by Hozier

smut warning!
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HARRY'S P.O.V

Today marked one week since I last saw Liz. It was a gloomy day, the sky was threatening the earth with rain with its dark clouds. The sun is hidden beneath the gray clouds, an absence of light in the sky and inside my house.

Just like how the sky was filled with dark clouds, my mind was besieged with dark thoughts. Dark sensations, anxiety, and trepidation crowded my already rotten mind.

A whole week since I last saw Liz. I can't even begin to describe how much I missed her. The smell of her cherry perfume still lingered on my bed sheets, almost as if she was still sleeping next to me every single night; I liked to pretend she was.

The house carried a dark aura ever since she walked away. I like to think that she's the one who brought so much light to this morbid place. I miss her laugh ricocheting from room to room, her bright smile, and how some mornings it was the first thing I'd see.

Most mornings she woke up before me, waiting for me with a bright smile, I miss that. And if she was asleep, and by some miracle, I had woken up before her, I'd spend hours until she woke up studying the flawless features of her face. I had counted every single freckle on her cheeks and nose, I know how she scrunches her nose when she has bad dreams, or how she sometimes talks nonsense in her sleep. I had it all memorized in my head, but I miss seeing it with my own eyes. Living in my head was exhausting, especially since it was such a dark place.

But this week doesn't only mark the last time I saw Liz, it also marks the one month I've been clean. I've been sober for a whole month, but this newfound cleanliness doesn't mean I don't miss the euphoria the drug gave me. The more time passed by, the more I craved that feeling; the numbness and temporary happiness that came along with it.

I've tried using every single distraction I could think of to get my mind away from the deadly drug and the cravings that came along with it. I had an insurmountable feeling to use it again. I almost did. I almost relapsed again a few days ago.

I've barely left the house for the past seven days. I was scared that if I walked out and got in my car I'd probably end up driving straight to my dealer and getting more coke. As much as I craved it, I didn't want that. I don't want to like that anymore anymore.

I've used every distraction in the house I could get my hands on, countless hours of cleaning what was already clean, cooking only to not eat the food and let it rot in the fridge, and painting but somehow each painting always ended up being of the same person and same place. Paris and Liz.

I wrote a song or two, none that I think were good, one that will probably never see the light of day but at least I temporarily forgot about my cravings. Somehow I managed to fight it through.

At one point, when the cravings got too intense and music and art did not help, I turned to alcohol. A whole bottle of whiskey was used to wash away the intense cravings. The next morning I felt worse than ever. Alcohol didn't help as much as I wanted it to, I was just an emotional wreck.

I've also barely slept since I stopped using coke insomnia is one of the side effects of withdrawal, and the painful migraines I can't seem to get rid of. On top of that, my anxiety has been more unbearable than ever, and no alcohol or anxiety pills could help me calm down, the one thing that usually worked was coke. I used the drug as a way to relieve my body and mind from the intense anxiety, ironically enough the same drug is now the cause of it.

This whole month has been an anxious, emotional mess, I'm hanging on by a single thread, and no matter how tempted I am to go back to my old ways I'm trying my best to fight it through.