Ecstasy [h.s]

Chapter 37

TW: mentions of abuse.
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GRACE'S P.O.V
                            10 years ago

I slam the diary shut, my tears burning through my eyes, my head leaned against the window of the house that keeps haunting me.

One day I'm going to live in a house, somewhere in the mountains, up on a hill or in the countryside. I'll have a kitchen of my own, one where I'll spend my nights laughing with Lexi as she teaches me how to bake. I'll have my own living room with a TV large enough so that Lexi and I can watch Pride and Prejudice over and over again, to obsess over the love of Elizabeth and Mr.Darcy had as we eat the cupcakes we burnt because we got lost listening to Etta James.

I'll have my own room, one where I can peacefully sleep in without having to lock the door every night. I'll have my own library filled with all of the books I need to help me escape reality, I'll have my own bathroom that I'll use to do my hair and makeup instead of cleaning my cuts and bruises.

I'll have my own balcony, where I can sit on the cold ground and paint, draw, write poetry and stories. A place where I can sit down and smoke, stare at the sunsets or sunrises, a place that will bring me calmness, a place that I won't use to catch my breath from the insurmountable panic attacks.

I'll have my own house, a place that I'll feel safe in, a place where I can catch my breath and escape reality, a place so sacred only Lexi will know of it, a place so comforting I'll never feel unsafe again, a place so sweet, a place away from all of the pain and trauma. A safe space where I can finally find peace.

A place that feels like home.

I flinch at the yelling downstairs, wiping away the tears from my eyes. Any moment she's going to burst through that door, she'll see my crying only to tell me that sadness is a useless emotion, that I should be grateful, that I have nothing to cry about.

I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to stay calm, to not let the pain consume me, but, God, it's so fucking hard.

I always thought monsters were scary creatures that lived under your bed, the tall  figure hiding in your closet at night that's keeping you awake, a creature part of a fictional world that only children believed in. Sometimes monsters weren't fiction, sometimes they were humans with sweet eyes and poisonous souls, sometimes monsters were the woman yelling at you as you tuck yourself into a corner as she raises her hand, telling you that you're not good enough for anything. Sometimes monsters were more domestic than that, sometimes monsters were your own parents.

I drop the cigarette out of the window, wiping away the tears as I walk swiftly to my desk, picking up the first perfume I can to hide the scent of the cigarette smoke that lingered in my room.

A large room, more than enough for me, I should be grateful for it, right? It's what she always said, I had more than enough, a large room, a big house, fancy diners, money. I had all of that, anything a girl could ever want, I was just missing one thing,  a loving family.

I inhale a sharp breath, the door bursting open as she walks. Her makeup already done, her hair pinned up in a tight bun, a silk dress hugging her body, of course covering her arms and chest because a woman should never be walking around with her cleavage out, a woman has to be elegant and graceful.

Elegant and fucking graceful, her and her stupid rules. I badly wish she would realize that no amount of expensive red lipstick, and no amount of expensive jewls, and beautiful earings could hide her evil rotting soul.

No amount of long dresses and elegant smiles can hide the evil she hid beneath her fake smile.

Some kids had monsters under their bed, mine was walking around drenched in lavish clothes, putting up an act of a saint only to sin as soon as she walked back into her expensive home.

"I'm leaving, Grace," the way she says my name rots on her tongue, saying it with deep hatred. She hates me and she doesn't even try to hide it, "Fix your hair and put on some actual clothes, you look filthy."

I clench my jaw, trying to keep my voice calm, "Yes, mother."

Mother, my living hell, my punishment, the monster hiding under my bed. Evil in human form. My mother

She shakes her head in disgust, I bite back the tears blurring my vision, "Clean up the mess you've made here, and wipe those tears away, crying is useless."

"Yes mother," I grit my teeth.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

I just wish I knew why she hated me too.

I guess I survived the worst part though, she was worse when I was a child, beyond evil, wicked even but I guess a child can't fight back when you raise your hand.

Now she just yells, and yells, and yells.

She walks out, and I finally feel like I can breathe for the first time.

Another tear slips from my eyes, I pick up my phone, putting on a summer dress and walking out of my bedroom.

I wait a few minutes, until I'm sure her and that stupid limo that always picks her up are gone. I never know where she goes, but every once in a while there are these parties that she gets invited to, full of rich people all over the country, she never misses a day. I never knew who hosted them, or what happened, my mother and I never talked, I don't know anything she does.

I go to the one place I know I'll find peace.

Lexi's.

The walk to her house was short, we lived in a small town almost everything was within walking reach.

I ring the doorbell once, a minute later Lexi opens the door with a happy smile. I wonder what that's like, being happy in your own home.

Her smile slightly drops, "Is she gone?"

"Yes," I swallow harshly, sucking back the tears again. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," she opens the door wide, hugging me as soon as I step inside. I bite the inside of my cheek, holding her close to me, the one person whose hands have always brought me a sense of peace and nerve pain.

The only good thing in my life.

She takes my hand into hers, leading me towards the backyard where the sun was slowly setting. The sky a light shade of yellow as the sun slowly rises down, her house always had the best view of the sunsets. Her house also always had peace and happiness, something I never had.

"I was just painting before you came," she sits down on the grass, a white canvas with painted trees and a blue sky on it, pencils and colors all over the grass beside her.

I sit down on the cold grass, facing Lexi as she picks up her brush again.

"She wants me to get married," I break the silence. "As soon as I turn eighteen."

She looks up at me, eyes filled with pity, "Gracie-"

"I don't know how much more I can take off this, Lexi," I bring my knees to my chest, hugging myself, staring off into the sunset. " I'm exhausted."

Lexi gets up from the spot she was sitting on, I feel her presence next to me but I don't turn my gaze away from the sun. She lays her head on my shoulder, "You'll get through this, Gracie. You're the strongest person I know," I look at her this time. "You'll be alright," she whispers.

I don't wanna be strong though, I want to be okay. What I went through shouldn't have made me strong, it should've never happened. I was a defenseless child. I shouldn't have to be strong.

I'll be alright.

//
a/n: can't wait until we officially meet present Grace... or until Harry officially finds out about her.