Ecstasy [h.s]

Chapter 39

Songs for this chapter
Wicked Game by Chris Issak
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LIZ'S P.O.V

It was odd being haunted by someone who was still alive, hearing their name and being reminded of their presence all the time made me grieve the past I had with them.

I tried so hard to forget, to make the past stay in the past, but recently it's been hard. I'm always reminded of her, of Aaron, Zack, my mother, everyone. Everything I tried so hard to forget is crawling back to me, shredding me to pieces slowly as each memory comes back to me.

Recently I've also been stuck living in the past filled with warm memories, but somehow the happiest ones hurt me the most.

From the moment I wake up, up until I go to sleep they are all always on my mind. I hear her voice in my dreams, her sweet eyes haunt me. I see Aaron too sometimes, but recently it's her that's been haunting me.

I see my past self and I grieve the person I used to be.

She's still inside me, I carry her wherever I go even though it's painful.

"Pack whatever you need," Harry rips out the pictures from the wall, going in an unspecific order as he takes them out one by one. "You're staying with me."

I called him as soon as I managed to catch my breath through the uncontrollable sobs, he answered on the second ring. He turned the car around before I could even get most of the words out of my trembling lips, less than ten minutes later he was knocking loudly at my door.

"What about Lexi?"

"We'll figure something out," he holds the pictures tightly in his hand, sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. "Please don't fight with me on this, just come home with me."

"Okay," I say under my breath, too exhausted to argue.

I couldn't look him in the eye, my gaze fixated on the crumbled-up pictures in his hands. My eyes froze on the top picture, a happy memory of Lexi, Zack, Katherine, and I. A vivid picture of the memory peeks itself back into my mind, the four of us curled up in Lexi's backyard together.

It was the middle of July, I was 17, and Katherine and Zack were a few years older than us but somehow we always got along well. I still remember the warm breeze, the sun setting, the cold drinks in our hands, the burnt muffins Lexi made, and our laughter.

That was the first time I felt happy, laughing along with the only people who cared about me.

They made me so happy, and as a thank you I stabbed him seven times.

What I did to Zack was merely a selfish act, one that will rot inside my brain until the day I'm rotting six feet underground. The memory of his pale body, the sad look in his eyes, and me pulling the knife out of his stomach will be a memory that will haunt me even in death. I'll never forget what I did, and I'll never forgive myself.

My mother was right, I was a selfish person.

My mind can't even begin to comprehend how Lexi will feel once she finds out. I can't imagine the sorrow she'll feel once she finds out her best friend killed one of her closest friends. If she doesn't hate me now, she will loathe me the minute she finds out.

There was a reason why Lexi preferred Grace, even if she didn't say it out loud I knew deep down she loved Grace more. Lexi lived in the past just like I did, however, her past consisted of happy memories with her best friend, and mine haunted me. Lexi loved Grace more because Grace was kinder, more honest, and more gentle than I could ever be.

She's everything I want to be but can't.

No matter how hard I try I'll never be able to give Lexi what Grace could.