The Silence Within

38. Million Reasons

"I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all his worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay"

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 38: 𝕸𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝕽𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖘

-... hurt a lot? ... okay?- I could faintly hear a voice in my sleep and usually I wouldn't bother but something made me open my eyes and look around. The last thing I remember is falling asleep after, well, after my time with Nicholas. So what is going on? Is he talking with someone?

Quietly, I got up from the bed, noticing that I was wearing his shirt even tho I don't remember putting it on. I could hear a muffled voice from the living room, so I made sure to walk lightly to not disturb. The whole apartment is in the dark, and it's absolutely quiet, which makes it easier to hear Nicholas's voice as I realise he's talking on the phone.

-Okay, okay honey, just don't panic. Everything is going to be alright, it will pass. Did you take your meds?- There is a short pause as he listens to a response and I swallow a lump in my throat. He is so... Disheveled. He looks relentless, his voice is shaky and he's walking in a loop around the room. He looks worried.

-Honey... I told you you can't skip it. I know, I know... Still...- Again pause and a big sigh from him as he finally stopped at a certain spot. 

-Alright. I'll try to be there as soon as I can. Just try, honey. Deep breaths and maybe put on some show to distract you. If anyone can go through that, it is you. You are the bravest person I know... I'll see you soon, okay?- A second later, he dropped the phone and put his head in his hands. If it were not for my wildly beating heart, I could almost come out and comfort him. But... I can't. Not when I knew who was on the other end of that phone call. 

Why did she call? And why did he answer? I understand she is sick, I gathered as much but how serious it is? If he plans on divorcing her, maybe he shouldn't give her false hope and be there for her whenever she calls. He should just slowly distance her and make her rely on somebody else. Fuck, I feel like the worst possible person yet I can't help it. I can't help the bitterness that is suffocating me, holding me hostage. 

Nicholas got up from his seat and I moved back into the bedroom, not wanting him to catch me snooping. What if he asks me what I heard? What if I say I heard everything, he would have to react to it, and then what? What if his guilt is too enormous and he can't take it so he decides to leave me?

Somehow my mind gets into this frantic mode even from thinking about it, it's like a state of panic but I realise that my fear is reasonable. Things will likely go the way I fear they would go. So, against my better judgment, or along with it, I got into the bad and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and for a second I was afraid he would be able to hear it too. 

I heard his footsteps and felt him looming above me. Does he know I'm not asleep? Will he call me on it? However, nothing happened. I heard him sigh loudly before he left the room and soon I heard the opening and closing of the apartment's front door...

******

Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep after Nicholas left. I was walking back and forth in the apartment, wondering if I should stay and wait for him or leave. In the end, my overthinking led me to stay rooted to the spot and sometime before dawn, my phone pinged with a new message. Nicholas was telling me he won't be there when I wake up but I should stay at the apartment. He'll see me as soon as he can. Bull...

At this point, I feel somewhat deceived. Never have I even tried to find out more, to evaluate my competition. Is Nicholas not leaving her because she is sick or is there something more behind it? My mind was not giving me rest, so I left the apartment and got back to my place. It's weird how much time I've been spending at Nicholas's apartment and I barely notice. Now, the sight of my things feels foreign...