The Silence Within

33. Snap Out of It

I wanna grab both your shoulders and shake, baby
Snap out of it (snap out of it)
I get the feelin' I left it too late, but baby
Snap out of it (snap out of it)
If that watch don't continue to swing
Or the fat lady fancies havin' a sing
I'll be here waitin' ever so patiently
For you to snap out of it

The quick, emotional tryst in a storeroom definitely didn't make all of my problems disappear. With a leap in judgment, I left the event feeling even worse about myself. 

I caught a glance of Nicholas, he seemed as if nothing ever happened, with a perfectly pleased face and a kind smile toward his gorgeous wife. On the other hand, I look and feel like a mess. My hair is all fuzzy, going in all directions no matter how many times I've gone through it with my fingers; my lips and neck are red from Nicholas's kisses, and my mascara is all smudged up even after fixing it a bit. Not to mention the tingling feeling between my legs, serving as a reminder of how cheap I feel. 

Maybe in a different situation, he would have cuddled with me or held my hand like he's holding his wife's hand now. However, right now, that's not the case and with a sore heart, I left the event. I'm afraid I spent all of my emotions and as I got back to my apartment, I sent a text to Cassian, letting him know about my evening. Every time I feel like crap, Cassian is there to listen, to understand. That must be why I feel like there is something liberating about talking to him. 

While I shower and changed into my oversized t-shirt and shorts I heard a doorbell. My heart leaped since it can only be Nicholas. He told me he will visit me, but I thought it would be tomorrow. Maybe he changed his mind, he probably saw how awful I looked and got here to comfort me. Honestly, I need it. The muscles on my face are tight from smiling like a girl with a crush and I skipped to the door, opening it without looking at who could it be. My smile falters and disappointment washes over me since it's not Nicholas at my door.

-Wow, you look, not so great.- A snort escaped me and I narrowed my eyes, gazing at Cassian suspiciously. 

-What are you doing here, do you know what time is it?- Honestly, he has been at my apartment only once and it was kind of in passing as we went to dinner, so seeing him here so casually is a bit weird. 

-Can I come in? I do know it's late but you didn't seem... Stable enough? Also, I got nothing better to do, my family started preparing for Christmas and the longer I am there, the more work for me. So you see my eagerness to get away.-I must say it is nice to see him. I would prefer to be alone right now and dwell in my misery but I'm sure that is the worst-case scenario. This way, at least, I won't be alone with my bitter thoughts. Even though I find it embarrassing that Cassian thinks I'm unstable, he's not wrong. 

-What can I say... Come in, I guess. Nice of you to come by, at midnight, alone, in a woman's apartment, who lives alone by the way. Not creepy at all.- Cassian started laughing and I must say that he has a nice smile and his presence is already making me feel lighter, like the painful feeling in my chest just subsided a bit. Also, what is it with people popping up unannounced, I must say I'm not a big fan. 

-Err, I know this seems creepy but in my head, it was a perfect idea. I would escape my mother's pointless chores and be a good friend at the same time.- Now I had to laugh at his silliness as we settled in my living room, me on the couch and him on the armchair. 

-Now I really see your selflessness, such a good friend.-

-Come on, I really meant well. You sounded awful. - I can hear the awkwardness in his voice and suddenly I realized that he tried to come up with an excuse so I wouldn't feel like he's here for me. However, it's obvious why he's here. I wish I can prove him wrong and say I don't feel awful, but something in me struggled this night and lost. My whole personality seems lost, like there is no part of me that I recognize. It makes me ashamed and sad at the same time.