The Silence Within

35. Don't Speak

"Don't speak
I know just what you're sayin'
So please stop explainin'
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know just what you're thinkin'
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts"

ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 25: 𝓓𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓪𝓴

In the aftermath of our lovemaking, I find myself in Nicholas's arms. My head is on his chest, and I feel the slow beat of his heart. It's pleasant, even a bit unreal since this rarely happens to the two of us. 

The gentle movement of his fingers through my hair makes me feel sleepy, but I'm fighting it, since, for all I know this could be the only or last moment like this that we'll have. I hope that is not true and that we'll find a way to be... content with each other, but I must be realistic for my sake. With us, there are turmoils and dramatic, dynamic situations more than there is serenity. 

Yet, even with all the world collapsing around me, the voices in me are quiet. Is it a good kind of quiet? Or the kind that makes you swallow your sobs, push your insecurities deeper, shut your conscious, and keep going? Hm... I guess I'm not so sure. 

-What are you thinking about?- Nicholas's voice is loud in a quiet room and I flinched from it, losing my train of thought. 

-Mmm... I don't know. I just wandered somewhere.- With a soft hum, Nicholas didn't comment further, his hand still caressing my hair, then my face until it lowered to grab my pendant. That move made me stiffen as always. It feels almost like blasphemy when someone other than me touches it. Actually, when anyone touches it with any intention other than to appease God. 

-Why do you wear it? I know you don't believe in God, so what is the point? Don't tell me it's for aesthetic reasons since it is pretty but not pretty enough to never take it off. - The fact that he noticed all of this made my heart flutter in that bittersweet way and I put my hand over his on a crucifix. 

-It's a long story. Also, maybe you shouldn't take every word I say to heart, I'm not reliable. I say one thing and do the opposite. I shouldn't be trusted.- It is a half-truth after all. Lately, I do find myself contradicting a lot. I want to leave Nicholas but I also never want to let him go. I want more from him but I'm also scared of what would "more" look like. I want us to come clean but I don't want the trouble it would bring. I am a hypocrite too. I don't believe in God, but I fear its punishment. I must be a living breathing contradiction.

-I suppose I have enough time for a story. Besides, you seem trustworthy enough. You're keeping a pretty big secret for me. For us.- Hm. Well said. I am keeping a secret for him, for his sake. I'm wondering if it is really our secret. I could get out of that mess, maybe. It's pretty obvious that the truth wouldn't hurt me as bad as it would hurt him. I could even benefit from this certain secret being revealed... Okay, okay. I would never act on these thoughts, of course. It's just my inner demons talking, thinking what if...

-If you are so eager to hear it, I will comply. You are my boss, after all, I can't refuse.- Now that made Nicholas laugh and move on top of me. With his face close to mine, and a big smile I easily forget how old he is. There is a slight crease on the corner of his eyes and a faint wrinkle on his cheek, but it all makes him look carefree and boyish. I love the mischief I see in his eyes. 

-I thought my charms lie elsewhere. You can't refuse me because I'm irresistible, not because I am your boss.- A quick kiss on my lips left me speechless for a second before Nicholas moved his face to the nape of my neck, his hands going around me, enveloping me in an embrace.

-You are so cocky, aren't you?- A soft laugh tickled against my neck, and I smiled in return, caressing his back, enjoying the feel of his naked skin and broad back.