Through Ash and Dust (ROTB)

Chapter 19

Suicidal Thoughts in this Chapter

Ever since seeing Arthur again, Saphira has been a lot quieter than she was before. It seemed dark thoughts have begun to re-enter Saphira's mind, and it was hard for her to think of anything but what Arthur had said to her. The words he said to her hurt. Knowing that he used her, and he never really cared about her, messed with her mind. It made her feel sick to know that every kind word he said, was never kind. And she did not even know if she would have a good life as an international relations manager now that she knew what Arthur truly thought and felt about her. She hoped that she would never see that man again.

She did make use of the portable stove top though. She ended up buying a cooler, which she filled with ice and she was able to keep some meat, eggs and vegetables within the cooler. Though she stuck to things like potatoes, carrots and onions for the moment, as she would buy other vegetables in smaller quantities. Frozen vegetables were out of the question, even though it was getting cold enough that things would not defrost quickly, and when winter did arrive, she might not need the cooler. But as it was kept within Optimus's chassis, the warmth of his body would still defrost anything.

But Saphira picked at her food more than she ate it. Mirage was the one who watched her intently when she made an omelette the other day. And he was so happy that she made it, but when she went to eat it, he was shocked she was just poking it with her fork. Mirage encouraged her to eat, though she ended up getting annoyed him pushing her to eat when she was thinking of other things. But he wanted her to eat the food, since she needed it.

And because of that, it was hard for her to eat more than one meal a day. The autobots did wish she that she would eat more than she was choosing to eat. But once a day was fine. She would still put on weight since she was eating high protein foods as her choice of food. Along with carbohydrates within the potatoes. Though Saphira's body wasn't gaining much weight yet, so they still had to wait to see any actual change in her body.

Though Optimus has not been pushing Saphira to eat more like Bumblebee, Mirage and Arcee have been. Though Arcee stopped pushing after a few days, Bumblebee and Mirage have not. They're extremely worried for Saphira, which has made her stick with Optimus almost every day. She didn't want to hear them pushing her to eat more when it comes to breakfast and dinner. She only has lunch, and she felt it was enough for her for the time being.

Saphira had also stopped coloring in the picture of Mufasa and Simba. She had tried to get motivated to finish it, but she has not found the motivation to do so yet. She has stuck to writing in her diary more, and Optimus could see exactly what she has been writing. And he was actually starting to feel tugs at his spark. It was becoming clear to him that while Saphira had taken a step forward, she has now taken two steps back. It has ended up distracting him from finding Transit.

Dear Diary,

It has been four days since I last saw Arthur. His words have been plaguing my mind like locusts destroying crops. Knowing that I was nothing more than a pawn for his business, just like I became a pawn to my father, has made me think that is all I am good for. I am not sure how I can move forward without thinking that I will be fooled again. It hurts so much to know that is what my life has been so far.

The only reassurance that I have now is that the autobots may not do the same to me, like what Arthur and my father have done. Despite Optimus being strict and stern, I trust him. I trust him so much more than I have trusted anyone before. I know that I am throwing my trust into someone who was against me being with them from the start. But Optimus has realistic reasons as to why he doesn't trust humans.

But that is not why I trust him. Optimus is carrying a heavy burden. Now that I know more about their past, I have no reason to hate him. Optimus has not once hurt me, not in the same way as other humans have. At first, he did scare me. I used to cower at his voice. But now, I don't think of him as scary. I see him as someone who is trying to protect. He wants to help his family get home. That is why I trust him. He could have killed me all this time, but he's chosen not to.