Freak Like Me - Katya Zamo

Part Twenty Eight: After The Storm

There they were, all the memories of him. From polaroids to rose petals of the rose he gave you hours before your breakup. From ultrasounds to pages from a diary you've kept close ever since things with Brian began to fall apart, as you kept track of everything related to the two things that occupied your mind nonstop.

There were about 40 diary entries about the period you and Brian weren't talking. Some are little paragraphs, others are you pouring your heart out. Filled with insecurities, incredibly lonely, but too overwhelmed to do anything about it. These particular pages were ripped from your journal. You went through some of them, and it felt like you were being transported right back to those moments.

Week 7

Today was pretty harsh. First day at the office after our breakup and hoping that Trixie wouldn't be there wasn't enough for it to actually happen. We had a meeting to discuss our ideas for the upcoming collections and one of them involved Brian. Despite everything, I saw the potential and voted for it. Afterwards, Trixie and I had a talk about him. Hearing someone so close to him telling me how badly the consequences of my actions affect him, pains me immensely. But I don't think someone who can't go on without at least a breakdown per day, is capable of being there for someone so deeply treasured.

Then your eyes found a piece of paper that had something written on it that you never told anyone before... especially him.

Week 11

It's been over two months since our last talk. I'm entering the third month and the urgency to make up my mind gets worse each second. I need to stop being so delusional, it's clear that this isn't gonna work.

I think I'm having an abortion as soon as I leave the office tomorrow. It's time.

Ps: He's gonna be there tomorrow, it's the perfect opportunity to let him know about it.

You clearly remember how you were feeling as you wrote those words. It felt as if you and Brian had gone through all that it was emotionally available for you at that moment. You felt hopeless, convinced that even carrying on with your relationship perhaps wasn't the best option.

That was until you saw him the next day, of course.

Seeing him again erased all those thoughts from your mind. You didn't have the guts to do it, and being in his presence again, brought all those emotions you'd tried to bottle, back to the surface. There was just this need for things to work between the two of you.

You stare at the memorabilia for probably a good while, till your concentration is averted by the sound of the door closing. He was finally back. You quickly gather the things and put them inside the box, sliding it under your bed for the moment. You weren't telling him about the abortion, at least not for now, and probably never by the look of things. Leaving only an envelop with something he perhaps didn't need at the moment, but was part of the healing process.

You turned around and as you were starting to make your way out of the bedroom, he enters it. The image is heartbreaking to you, he looked incredibly fragile. There's nothing you want more than to make his pain go away, so you envelop him in a hug, offering the best option you could offer at the moment. He breathes out, his nerves a little calmer now.

"Where were you?" You ask, trying to sound as little confrontational as you can manage.

"I met Stephanie, I had coffee with her" You lift your head up, looking at him straight in the eye. You were surprised... very much so.

"... Oh?" Is all you're capable of vocalize.

"Please tell me you're not hurt by it" He looks at you with pleading eyes. You weren't hurt, and even if you were, you wouldn't have the heart to tell him and fight him over it at the current delicate moment.