Freak Like Me - Katya Zamo

Part Fifteen: I Beg You, Don't

You didn't even realise, but you probably looked a lot more tormented than you thought, that's why Brian's initial thought was that you weren't feeling very well and truthfully, you really weren't.

"Did something happen? Are you okay, baby?"

"Can we go inside? It's kinda cold here"

"Sure" He puts out his cigarette and you turn around and make your way inside, your mind racing with insecurities and Brian's heart racing inside his chest. "You're really gonna have to tell me what's wrong though, I'm already worried sick" He breaks the silence when you enter the living room, sitting on the couch.

"Just listen to what I have to say before I regret what's coming after this." Brian looked so apprehensive and worried that you already hated yourself for doing this to him, but you also knew that if you wanted this to last, you'd have to be honest with him. 

"I wanted to have a talk with you about how we'd approach our relationship publicly, if we'd post things with each other, mention each other on podcasts, UNHhhh, interviews, or if we'd keep this to ourselves and the ones close to us. I don't know if I feel totally comfortable with the attention our relationship's gonna get from people from outside or your fans, and it's nothing against them, not at all, it's just that I don't know... maybe some negative comments make me doubt if I'm actually good for you or if you deserve someone better". At this point you were sobbing, Brian was so in shock that he wasn't even able to comfort you, he was petrified, waiting for what was coming next. "I know it's kind of stupid, but sometimes these things get to you. And if you're wondering what triggered this... I made the mistake of looking through the comments on your post. I-I need some time for myself, Brian"

He takes a moment, processing what you'd just said and what it meant. You could see his eyes taking in a certain brightness before realising he was trying his hardest not to cry right now. He brings his hands  to your face, each palm laying flat on the sides of your face, looking you straight in the eye.

"I don't ever, and I mean ever, want you to feel like you're not good enough for me, if anything, I'm the one who's not good enough for you. (Y/N)... baby, you've made me feel what being in love is like, I'm so much happier when I'm with you. You're incredible and I'm so fucking lucky to have found you". He kisses your forehead, wiping your tears with his thumb. "Please don't give up on us, on me... I beg you, don't do that to me". The tears finally stream down his face.

"I'm not breaking up with you, Bri. I'm just asking for some time, I need to think some things through. I swear it's not gonna be an eternity, I just need some days to get myself together. I'll come back to you, I promise". You wipe his tears, standing up and gathering your things, knowing that if you looked at him a second longer, you wouldn't be able to do this at all. "I want you to know that nothing about this is your fault, it's never been. You're so easy to love, Bri, you really have no idea".

"I love you" You hear him, shyly, almost whispering.

"I love you too, Brian" You bend down and press a kiss to his lips, his hand comes up and strokes your arm, wanting desperately to feel your skin beneath his palm, almost as if he was making sure you weren't fading away.

"Y-yeah, you're right, it would be selfish of me to not let you have your space and time to gather your thoughts. Just know that I'll be waiting for you to come back to me" His voice cracking, so much emotion to his tone. With much reluctance, you let go of him and get to his door, not daring to look back, your eyes fixated on the floor, avoiding the hurt of seeing him in such a vulnerable state, because of you.

You buy wine and a pack of cigarettes on your way home. When you finally get back to your apartment, you let all of your emotions out, crying, insecure about yourself and your relationship. Was this really needed? Would Brian give up on you? Would he find someone else? What exactly do you need to do to get your shit together?