Just Call Me Sarah

Day 106: I Miss You

Dear Diary....

I stayed with Eddie for a few more days. Nancy was happy to hear that I was adjusting and distracted. Oh was I ever distracted, Eddie became even more obsessed with joining me for showers, helping me with meals and exploring each other's bodies before inevitably falling asleep tangled together.

My hand was starting to heal, the doctor said in a few more weeks I would need some physical therapy. Nancy took me to all my appointments and she brought me my work from school, she let me attend classes maybe two days, but she was so worried Andy and his parents would try something.

Hopper offered to drive me to and from, but Nancy didn't trust him anymore. There was just one thing on my mind, a lingering fear and even with the hundreds of sweet kisses and promises made by Eddie.. well I was still wondering why it was taking Gareth so long to come and talk to me.

I know I shouldn't be so sad. It's hard on everyone, but Gareth was such a constant while I was in school. His lack of presence and knowing that lack of presence is due to you. Well, It makes my chest heavy.

I dreamed about the time I was running for my life, lost to everyone, and I wondered... did Gareth forget me... did this give him pause to not want me around. Last night was a particularly heavy image of when I first awoke off the first fall, my legs cold and the fear peaking. Eddie told me that when the nightmares took me it was hard to coax me awake. Normally a person would sing or whisper sweet nothings.. but I couldn't hear those and his gentle touches were masked with my own fear and panic.

He would sit there helpless as I whined, cried and gripped at him. He said at that time he couldn't do anything but hold me and cry tears of his own.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the things with Gareth, the space was causing me to have more nightmares. He didn't deserve to be more miserable and I tried my best to feel for him, to find a grounding presence, something about him that I loved and could equate to him and not to a dream.

I jolted awake. I could feel that I was tear streaked and Eddie played with my hair, just like every morning since we were able to be physically connected again we had awoken in each others arms. He slid his arms down till he was able to pull me closer to him, close enough where my lips could meet his with minimal effort.

His eyes filled with tears as well, he smiled now that my eyes were open. I kissed his lips, tasting the residue of his tears and then sat up, straddling his stomach as I watched him. I can't describe it, but I found him mesmerizing, he was so intimately familiar, but emotionally he was an adventure. I wanted to explore each day with him, what would he say? What would he be excited to see? Would he cry? Would we kiss?

The enjoyment from life was so much more when Eddie was around and I loved him every day more and more because of it. He touched my face and I leaned into his hand, kissing his palm. He smirked and then pulled his hand away to sign, "You were very upset this time."

"I was dreaming about the first time I awoke. I was so cold. So scared." I stopped at that point not wanting him to feel like any of this was due to him, his sign language was getting so intricate and I wanted to move forward, "But then I get to wake up to you.. your lips and skin."

"It's not enough. I wish I could help you while you are scared." He signed then threw his head back, I can tell he was frustrated and I wasn't sure how to help..

Then I had an idea. I laid back down on his chest, I kissed him gliding my tongue along his lip and I felt the familiar vibration, being on his chest made my whole body react to him. I smirked as I pulled away, "Have you tried kissing me?" I signed at him.