Before You | 18+ | ✓

43: jj

I didn't think it was possible. Staying clean is hard. My body is constantly telling me that it needs pills, but I haven't taken any. I'm five weeks clean. If someone had told me it was possible for me to go even twenty-four hours without taking a single pill, I wouldn't have believed them.

But I'm damn glad that I can.

I feel closer to my old self than I have in a long time.

Being sober though has given me a lot of time to think. It feels like that's all I do now. Well that and go to therapy. There's group therapy and one-on-one therapy and I've talked so much about my feelings that I think my feelings have feelings.

My therapist here has been a big help with helping me deal with Asher's death and Bailey's goodbye in addition to why I became addicted to pills in the first place.

I miss Asher every single day and I've replayed what I can remember in my head a thousand times. I would trade anything to have him back, but the only way to move is forward knowing he's right there next to me.

My leg is bouncing anxiously as I wait for Marley to get here. We're allowed visitors every Sunday and this will be her second time coming to see me. My parents came the first week, the second week it was Marley, the third week Mirabelle came with Henry, and this week Marley is coming again.

I've kept in touch with her mom a lot. She told me I could call her anytime for anything before I checked in here and I have no idea have many times I've called her. We talk a lot and it helps. She has loads of advice and is a really good listener.

I wish I had flowers that I could give Marley, but unfortunately I would be skinned alive if I tried to pick any of the ones that are planted outside. Instead, I spent the last two weeks learning how to make paper flowers in one of the art therapy classes they have here.

I really hope she doesn't think they're stupid. I just want to show her that she still means everything to me. That I'm still somewhat myself despite everything that's happened.

And then finally, I see Marley being led into the living area by an orderly. I stand up, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants as Marley beams at me, picking her pace up quickly to crash into my chest, her arms and legs winding around me as I catch her immediately, holding her tightly.

"I've missed you." I say, breathing in the comforting and familiar smell of her shampoo and conditioner as she buries her face in my neck.

"Not as much as I've missed you." Marley mumbles, showing no sign of having plans to leave my arms. I don't mind, she's still as light as a feather despite me losing a good portion of my muscle.

One thing I found without the pills is that it is normal for my knee to get sore and ache, but I can't push it to the breaking point because now I can feel it. I can feel everything. I've kept up with my workouts, but it's nothing compared to the rigorous training I had put my body through before. I have noticed that my knee hurts less and less when I actually give it time to rest. Turns out Billy was right about that aspect.

"Did you become a koala since the last time I saw you?" I tease, dragging my fingers through her hair that has gotten longer since I came here.

"Yep." She says, pressing her lips to my neck before pulling back to smile at me, finally letting me look at her face. I adjust my grip under the back of her thighs to make sure I've got her.

"Hi beautiful." I say looking directly into her cerulean blue eyes. They remind me so much of the ocean.

They twinkle as she smiles before teasing me, "Wow you're calling me something other than sweetheart?"