Before You | 18+ | ✓

31: jj

I pump my arms, forcing my legs to move faster as if it can erase the thoughts moving through my mind. Running through the cold air is helping me avoid studying for my calculus exam tomorrow. It's keeping me sane right now.

Without football as a distraction, I spend my time thinking about Marley or when my next dose is. Then I try to wait it out as long as possible, but it hasn't been working very well for me.

So I run. A lot.

"For fucks sake can we slow down before you kill me?" Asher says, panting heavily at the quick pace we're keeping.

"Focus more on your breathing," I say, doing my best to keep mine even so I don't sound like an out of shape hippo like Ash.

We make it a couple more minutes before he really does need to stop. "JJ, I'm going to collapse if we don't stop. When I asked to start running with you, I didn't mean we'd be sprinting the entire five miles."

I slow to a light jog as Asher holds his side, "You should be thanking me for helping keep you in shape. If you can even call it that." I tease despite wanting to run so fast I feel like I can fly.

"I'm plenty in shape, this is just insanity." Asher scoffs, his arms glistening from sweat.

"It helps me," I say simply and he opens his mouth to ask a question, but I spring forward instead, calling over my shoulder. "Break's over. Hurry up!"

After Thanksgiving and telling my parents about Bailey, I took it too far with the pills and I scared myself.

Marley is asleep laying on my chest as I stare at the ceiling. I've tried closing my eyes so many times, but they always end up open again. I hold Marley tightly to me because I'm afraid if I'll let go, she'll be gone when I wake up.

Having her show up yesterday was the best thing that could have happened because if I'm being honest, I'm fucking terrified to face my parents tomorrow after what I told them tonight.

I broke everyone's hearts again and there were tears from everyone but me. I think something's broken inside me because why am I not crying with my family? Even Marley teared up and she was just there holding my hand.

It probably didn't help that my nerves had gotten the better of me and I'd taken a full dose to get the courage. I was high. Honestly, I'm still probably high. Maybe that's why I can't sleep.

But sleep is what I'm concerned about right now? Really? Out of everything going on, I'm worried about being able to sleep.

Marley shifts slightly on my chest and I run my hand slowly up and down her back, more for me than her to reassure myself that she is in fact still there.

I don't normally have problems sleeping. That problem belongs to my parents, Mirabelle, and Bailey. I guess I have other problems to worry about.

And for the first time ever, I admit the truth to myself and Marley. "Marley, I think I'm an addict. I take pills all the time and I don't know how to stop. Please help me." I hold my breath and wait for her to move—to acknowledge what I just said—but she doesn't. She sleeps soundly and I begin denying the truth again, seconds after admitting it.

I have cut back slightly. The difference only being one or two less pills a day, but I'll take it as a win. It proves that I can stop, so I'm really not an addict. I can't be.

Asher begrudgingly picks up the pace, trailing a couple of feet behind me. I can hear his labored breathing, but I can still hear my thoughts so I push our planned five mile run into a seven mile run.