Before You | 18+ | ✓

28: jj

My head hangs in my hands. Today was a nightmare. It keeps replaying in my mind. The way I did everything possible to try and help my team today.

But it was a collection of missed connections on our part and the other team made no mistakes.

I could feel the ball about to brush my fingertips when I'm slammed from the side with a blow that knocks the air out of my lungs.

My hands clench and I need to hit something. I need to feel something.

Standing on the sidelines, I feel utterly helpless as I watch the other team's running back execute a perfect catch, slipping past our defensive line.

It's over. All of the work for nothing.

"And it looks like the final score is 32-10. The trees fought well, but it doesn't appear to have been enough for them. Let's give one final farewell to our seniors who have done so much to help this program!" The announcer says, the harrowing words echoing through the stadium.

My anger is reaching a boiling point. Despite my hands being clenched, I can feel them shake. My whole body is shaking, but it's not because of my anger. It's because I haven't taken any pills since the beginning of warmups. That makes me angrier because I don't want them, but I need them.

I get up and swivel around, slamming my fist on the wood of my locker. It should hurt, but it does nothing to quell the rage at everything I feel. And just like always, I'm expected to take it and shove it down.

It's fine. I'm fine. It's fine. I'm fine.

I ignore the looks from my teammates. I'm not one to normally get so heated over games. It was different last season because I couldn't do a damn thing about it while recovering from my surgery. But this time I could have made a difference and we still lost.

"You good?" Ash asks from my left and I grab a shirt out of my locker, pulling it over my head.

"Perfect."

He snorts, "Yeah. You and everyone else in here. Are you good?" He asks again, emphasizing his words carefully. He's asking if I'm clean.

I look at him, lying straight through my fucking teeth. "I'm good."

It's dawned on me how ironic it is that I'm the one Bailey talks to because I'm the only one in our family that's not a liar. I think I'm the biggest liar of us all. I hate that I've become this...person who lies to the people they love.

Marley told me when we were going to bed the night of the dinner with her father and Leo that Leo thought I was lying about the lady at the flower shop needing help. I didn't have the guts to tell her that it was a lie.

I'd forgotten my pills at the house after picking up flowers for Marley. I was so damn nervous about the dinner that I knew I wouldn't be able to go through the night without anything. I went home to grab them, but by the time I got to Marley's, I was running way later than I thought. So I made up an excuse about why I was late despite the fact I was sick to my stomach lying to her and knowing that she believed me.

I felt even worse after finding out that she stuck up for me and so did her dad.

I'm a liar that hates lying which ironically is me lying to myself. If I really hated lying as much as I think I do, then I would stop.