Before You | 18+ | ✓

21: marley

I feel so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking telling JJ I had ulterior motives to getting him to come over here. He's not Trent who was probably only into me for sex and for money.

But I want to feel close to JJ again and I'm dying to kiss him. Like actually kiss him instead of a soft peck that I still loved, I just...I have no idea.

I pick my guitar up and strum over the chords a few times, the sound coming from it is awfully similar to how I feel trying to articulate my feelings. Just a jumbled mess.

My songbook is laying flat in front of me open to the song that I'm currently working on.

"I've tried to fight this feeling. The one that makes my knees weak and my head spin. I didn't understand before. But I understand now. It's only been you. It's only ever been you." I sing softly, strumming chords slowly, following along with the scribbles and notes in the book. The tempo picks up and I sing from my heart. "I think you're the only one, the only one that's ever seen me. Now here I am, singing a stupid song about stupid you and stupid me..." I trail off, dropping my guitar next to me before flopping backwards into my pillows.

"I'm being ridiculous." I groan loudly, just as there's a knock on my door that scares the shit out of me.

I jump half out of my skin, slipping off the edge of the bed as I turn to see who it is.

"I loved that stupid song about stupid me and pretty you, but I have a bit of a bone to pick with the author who never seems to lock her door." JJ says cheekily, his dark hair falling in his face, still wet from a shower.

I smile immediately at the sight of him, "Would it make you feel better if I said I unlocked it specifically for you?"

"No. I'm perfectly capable of standing out there by myself until you come let me in. You and Bria need to start locking your door." He says, sitting on the bed next to me.

"I'll talk to her about it." I say, reaching forward to shut my songbook before JJ has a chance to grab it. I've written too many songs about him to have it just sitting out.

He smiles at me, "So you write songs about me?"

My cheeks flush bright red. "Don't flatter yourself."

"Oh see, I think you do, but I'm willing to let it slide." He teases and I avoid looking at him by staring at my hands. "Hey sweetheart, I'm only teasing you."

See, I know he's teasing me, but I'm just still embarrassed for propositioning him. I was jumping the gun by pulling the trigger before loading it...or however that saying goes. JJ gently tilts my chin up, forcing me to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

He offers me a kind smile. "I think you're forgetting my best friend is my older sister. Nothing definitely means that something is wrong. We can continue playing this little game or do you want to tell me what's wrong so I can fix it?"

I pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them. "JJ, you have to promise not to laugh."

"Promise," He says without hesitation, holding out his pinky for me to interlock with mine.

I remind myself that this is JJ. A sweet, kind, and incredibly understanding man.

"I'm embarrassed and I feel stupid."

"And why do you feel that way?" JJ asks, taking me entirely seriously.

I start picking my cuticles as my rambling begins. "Because I tried and failed to tell you that I want to be intimate to feel close to you. I'm afraid that you'll think I give it up easy because I had sex with you two years ago after not even knowing you a day, but I promise I don't. It took me over two months to be with Trent in that capacity and I know we're not together, but in the spirit of being honest, I've been thinking about really kissing you since I left you in France and I would love to be with you. Then I worry that it's too soon after Trent despite the fact I never really cared all that much about him or the relationship."