Lost Love [H.S]

eighty

Warning: panic attack and brief mentions of death

20 February 2022

I just want Harry home.

I'm lonely without him, I miss him.

The days are dark and cold, the nights are lonely and overwhelming. His half of the bed is cold, where his head usually lays on his pillow with his messy curls and tired eyes is cold and it hurts to see the empty spaces where he should be.

His car hasn't been driven, his favourite snacks haven't been eaten, our comfort shows haven't been watched, our children haven't had two parents to put them to bed, Gizmo hasn't had anyone to throw his ball.

Our house is just sad.

So fucking sad.

The only person who hasn't been affected by Harry's absence is Sonny. He's too little to have noticed his dad isn't here which is extremely upsetting but he's also still my little ray of sunshine, he's helping me so much.

Every morning I wake up to soft giggles, he sleeps in my room now because I feel so lonely in there, then the whole day is spent making him laugh, loving him and playing with the girls.

The girls are obviously a lot more independent now that they're older so they'll make their own snacks or run their own baths. They like to do things alone which I'm proud of them for but it also means I can't selfishly distract myself from their father being in hospital by helping them with things.

Silence is what I struggle with.

When the house is quiet, everyone's asleep and I have to lay staring at the ceiling drowning in my own overwhelming thoughts. It's painful, it physically hurts me but I can't cry. I've lost the ability, my body is too busy going through the motions to even think about producing tears.

I'm kind of just blank now, a shell, a robot that just knows the order of the day until the time I can finally lay back down and wait until I have to do it all over again.

I've lost track of the days, they're a distant memory and Niall had to remind me my own daughter's birthday is coming up. He had to remind me. How do I celebrate Posie's birthday when Harry isn't here?

I can't believe there ever was a time he wasn't with me and I was a single parent to two children because that doesn't seem like it ever happened, how did I ever cope?

Niall's here most of the time and if he's not Louis or Anne is. Although, it's mostly Niall. He sleeps in the guest room, comes in and checks on me sometimes throughout the night and often tends to Capri after a nightmare because when I'm asleep I don't wake up to anything anymore.

I used to wake up to every little sound my children would make, if one of them simply coughed or sneezed I would be wide awake. Now, it's like my motherly instincts have disappeared and I can't even tend to my four year old after a nightmare.